“The story is shaped by who is telling it,” Elise Loehnen proclaims. In her newest bestselling book, On Our Best Behavior, Elise unveils the ways that we have been culturally programmed to suppress our feelings & emotions, wants & needs in order to be “good.” Good in this case means subservient to those in control in a vertical power structure. Goodness is the ability to adhere to external constraints. Her book uses the Seven Deadly Sins – pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth – as a foundation to explore how ancient ideas of morality still continue to circumscribe and control our behavior to this day. And our perception of what it means to be “good.”
For all of my life, I have strived to be good. I want to be a good person. I want to do good things. So what happens when we examine what being good actually is and who it serves? In On Our Best Behavior, the goalpost of life is shifted. It is centered on balance and wholeness. It accounts for the multiple understandings and perspectives to co-exist.
Elise believes that by tending to our pain, our desires, all of our humanness, we are actually able to move through uncomfortable spots in our bodies. When we suppress feelings of envy, for example, we are in effect masking vital information on our wants and needs. By embracing these feelings, we can then take action on what we are lacking in our lives or what we need to feel whole. With suppression, we are stuck. Feelings are outside of our control, and science shows that they are actually faster moving than we give them credit for. People tend to fear that feelings will linger longer than studies show they actually do. And unprocessed emotions show up in unexpected pain points within our bodies.
The book begins with a history of the patriarchy. For those of you who are uncomfortable with that term, she is gentle. She talks about the formation of a legal code, who it was written by, and who it has served.
The Seven Deadly Sins serve as a cycle of shame that we impose on ourselves. Policing ourselves and judging others for things that are often systemic issues outside of our individual control. In this adherence, we are unable to enjoy our unique human needs, and enjoy what we have, because we get stuck in the quest for doing more for others.
“Women may be condemned to perpetual depravity, but we have been encouraged to pursue redemption.”
Elise sees sins as life-limiting, separating us from our truths. She is not advocating for acting on the sins in the traditional way our culture has feared, she is more so interested in how we can know ourselves better. To feel more whole. To embrace the complex nature of being. There is hope, that by shifting our lens from the external codes that bind and police ourselves to looking inside with an open mind, we can embrace the true story of what it means to be uniquely you.
For me, it has been comforting to see myself as innately good inside. I want to give that gift to you. I want you to feel whole, and that you can rest. You are already doing enough.
I have to share the end of the book. Elise ends with a prayer that I feel is really powerful. If you need some comfort, read this. Tell me what you think.
We have a copy of On Our Best Behavior to giveaway to our US-based readers. Leave a comment if you’re interested! Or grab a copy for yourself at your favorite bookstore, or here. Elise also has an amazing substack that you should definitely read.
This is such a helpful reminder: "Feelings are outside of our control, and science shows that they are actually faster moving than we give them credit for. People tend to fear that feelings will linger longer than studies show they actually do. And unprocessed emotions show up in unexpected pain points within our bodies." I tend to fear negative or painful feelings that might arise. It helps me to know that feelings don't linger as long as we expect.
The book sounds truly life-giving. (Then again, so is Bad At Keeping Secrets. <3)