Do ultimatums actually work?
Ultimatums exist in a black and white world, but we live in a grey world... and this weeks interview with Jessica Grose on the unsustainability of American Motherhood.
A quick note before I dig into ultimatums, this week I am talking to Jessica Grose, who is an opinion writer at The New York Times. Her new book Screaming on the Inside: The Unsustainability of American Motherhood. I have two copies to giveaway. Comment here (if you are a subscriber, or the interview post will be open later this week if you want a copy but don’t subscribe.)
When pushed, I often find my mind trying to define a threshold where if I am pushed far enough, something will/has to happen. This is mostly in regard to relationships, friendships, etc. I used them a lot when I was young. An ultimatum is expressing a boundary, a perceived part of reality that is most often hard. I used them as a tool of manipulation to get my needs met. This never worked. And yet, I continued the practice.
If an ultimatum is basically like a threat that you make to someone, that if they don’t do something differently, something will have to change. I have a hard time telling the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. I think about boundaries as soft, context-dependent, and porous in nature. An ultimatum I think of as a hard line, a moment in which consequences must be faced. Boundaries seem to be healthy acts of preservation of both parties and thus the relationship. Ultimatums to me seem like acts of desperation where in which boundaries have been crossed repeatedly.
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