This is Joe. He is a guy who wrote a book about talking to strangers. As someone who both loves and hates talking to strangers - and who basically has forgotten how to talk to people, I wanted to re-learn (this is generous because who knows if I ever really knew how to talk to people in the first place).
First off, I want to start with a poll, what do you think about talking to strangers?
Joe Keohane noticed when he had a kid that he stopped talking to people. He would go into bars, not talking to anyone, drinking his beer, and scrolling on his phone. (side note, raise your hand if all you do in your day is try to make more time to sit on your phone and scroll… I am going to try to stop this. I hate it. This is not what I want to spend my life doing.)
For humans, loneliness is as dangerous as smoking, leading to heart disease and hypertension to start. Not to mention that it sucks to feel lonely. Humans are social creatures - adapting chemical reactions to feel good when we connect with others. This newsletter is all about the longing to connect with people - I know the feeling. Do you?
In Joe’s book, The Power Of Strangers, Joe talks about how strangers are not actually as dangerous as we have thought. That it is way more statistically likely that someone close to you will cause you harm before a stranger. Actually, on the contrary, most people report after talking to a stranger they feel a sense of belonging, connection, and a better overall sense of well-being.
We forget that these little interactions can have big impacts on our mental state. They can prime us to feel good about our place, give us meaning in the mundane, and open up doors of understanding in a divided world.
Here is the “how to” part, if you want to talk to strangers:
Don’t forget small talk - small talk helps us confirm our collective reality. It makes us feel safe and like we are both humans. That we are sharing something, even if it is just the weather, together.
Listening. Letting the other person lead. You know this already from like 5 grade, default to the who what when where and why questions that genuinely interest you. Let go of your agenda, if possible and just lean into the magic.
Nothing shuts down an argument like definitive statements. Basically, if you want to talk to someone when you disagree, start with common ground and questions. Try to see if you can understand the why and how of where they are at.
Shift the goal of persuading someone else, or having them come to your side to working together. Something you both value.
You have to notice people. Noticing people helps you, even before you talk to them. Thinking about the beauty, magic, and awe of being alive at the same time. This will always make you feel better.
Comment here if you are interested in The Power of Strangers book. We have a copy to giveaway to someone in the USA.
Joe is also currently working on adapting his newest book, The Lemon, for TV! Learn a little bit more about it here or pick up a copy for yourself in the meantime at your favorite local bookstore or here.
As an artist who teaches, I love connecting with people over art and deeper meaning, but as a human with a neurodivergent brain, it is sometimes hard to decipher the social queues and subtleties that a neurotypical take in stride. The checklist of reminders on how to connect is very helpful. I’d love to be included in the drawing for the book.
I would love to relearn how to speak to people I feel like after 3 years of the pandemic I forgot how.