Ok, who here falls into the trap of wanting more from people than they can give? Or different things than they can give? This has always been a tightrope for me – taming expectations and accepting what is without disappointment is not my strong suit.
In this season, there are so many obligations that we have to each other and it becomes daunting to think about how to fill them along with taking people as they are.
This, of course, looks different to everyone. Me, I have been working with my therapist on issues with enmeshment for years. I grew up in an enmeshed family. Or a family where the boundaries were permeable. Let me explain. I think the theory about enmeshment is kinda complicated and I am not sure I fully understand it.
In an enmeshed relationship, people can be overly connected with other people’s wants and needs. This is often so strong that people can lose the sense of their own needs and wants. Personhood becomes intertwined.
I feel this way with my mother, father, and sister. My mother, it shows up unconsciously by fulfilling her longings and desires with my actions. It is uncanny how I have taken the things that she wanted for herself and projected them onto myself. I am (without her saying “you have to do this…”) somehow exactly what she wanted for herself. I am not sure if this is because it is what I wanted, or if I want so badly to please her that I have worked my whole life to be what she wanted. The words that were said in our family, “I will love you no matter what…” But on a different level, I don’t know if I felt that way.
We also both have issues with feeling each other’s feelings. This has been a topic that I have been thinking about a lot lately with my daughter. When my daughter’s first friend de-friended her, I caught myself feeling it deeply. Josh says I made a bigger deal out of it than she did. Wherever the reality was, I want to be mindful to let her have her own feelings. I want her to be able to let things be about her. And to hold my feelings for me, using emotional regulation to support her in the ways that she needs support at the moment. And yet, I feel her pain and rejection as if it were happening to me.
Are there ways you see enmeshment in your relationships? I’m interested in hearing about your experiences and how enmeshment may show up in other people’s lives.
I am not able to do this with my mother (who is perhaps my only family member who reads this newsletter). Our feelings co-mingle in a mess of personhood that feels inseparable and yet we live 10,000 miles apart. I also flop from feeling like I should be so grateful for all the support she gives and feeling misunderstood by the fact that we are not able to support each other in the ways that the other person needs.
I treat my father like my partner. And my sister like myself. I lose my mind with anxiety when we have differing views on stuff. I try to convince my sister to follow my lead with whatever the topic is, when I really should just be ok with having different views and still loving and respecting each other.
So why can’t I just accept my mother for what she can give? I think to do that, I might need to set some boundaries that I am uncomfortable setting. I know my mother would say that she would do anything for me. I know that she would try to change. BUT I would feel way too guilty.
Thanks so much for being here and giving me the opportunity to explore enmeshment with you. Special thanks to my family for being open to exploring life with me. I love you all so much. I tend to focus on relationships that I find most meaningful, and those are with you.
Very close to my heart.
I envision a venn diagram - where we overlap is enmeshment, where we don't, we individuate and bring fresh thoughts, feelings and experiences into our lives. It's the space of sacred territory - the great unknown.
The enmeshment I experienced as a child wasn't healthy and over the course of a lifetime, I've pushed my boundaries, made my circle larger thus creating a broader perspective and greater freedom to discover my life's journey.
Thank you for your writing (so vulnerable and explorative) and this opportunity to stir a reflection.