It is weird to post someone else asking me questions about motherhood and creativity—I like to be the one asking questions. My theory is that whatever is in my head is boring and whatever is going on in other people’s minds is unknown and can sustain my interest infinitely. Most people. Most of the time.
Motherhood is not right for everyone. This is only a reflection of my experience with the intersections of motherhood, creativity, and chronic illness. Questions from Katie at MOTHER, the full interview is available here. Photos by Maria del Rio.
Tell us a little about your journey to motherhood. Did you always know you wanted to be a mother?
Not really. I was not opposed to it - but mostly just scared about the whole thing. I have an anxious disposition - and was scared that if we had kids I would not be able to be an artist. It was like a time thing. I was scared I would lose the company. Oddly enough, the company is been so stable during this time - and M’s health has not. I never worried before she came that I would lose her. I remember having this irrational sense that everything would be ok. When I remember it, I chuckle. In some ways, I feel like you have to have a sort of delusion that things will work out when doing anything. And having children is a total mindfuck.
We tried to have kids for like 2 years and then one day it just happened. And then there was no going back…
You found out Margaret had CF shortly (?) after giving birth. What was that process of discovery like for you emotionally?
I am not really someone who prays. I am agnostic. I am constantly in search of meaning and rituals that reflect my values. After getting the diagnosis, every night for weeks I prayed to God. I told them that I would do anything for this not to be true. That if I had ever asked for anything, this would be the one thing. I would stare at M while she slept, hold her close, and whisper in her ear that everything would be ok. I started seeing a psychiatrist and upped my meds. Emotionally, I was just going through the motions. I was jealous of everyone who had a healthy baby. I was scared that I would hurt M. But at the same time, I had never loved anyone as deeply and madly as her before. And the fear of that being taken away kept me up at night.
Do you feel like her diagnosis has changed you as a person and how you look at the world?
Yes. I think that I have had a lucky life. Some might say blessed. I thought hard things happened to other people. Bad things like violence and death were statistically not likely for me. I believed I would die from old age, surrounded by plants with a lake view. Odd, I took so much for granted I feel a sense of shame, but there ya go. M is the exception. That you can prepare and do everything right, win the lottery of being born in the Northwestern world, but still control is limited at best. That is it! I think having M has made me think that we have WAY less control than I thought. And also it has really highlighted the fragile nature of life. It’s so sacred, I try my best to enjoy it when I can. And not let it get me down.
I am also more empathetic and selfish. I say this without judgment, but I was fighting with our nurse coordinator the other day about the time that M sees her pomologist. She wanted M to be seen later in the day. For people with CF earlier in the day is better. They schedule the sicker kids later so they don’t in theory infect the healthy not-yet-infected kids. I understand this rationally, but in my mind, I was pissed. I wanted M to be seen first thing. I had to push back my instincts that M should be first and rationalize that this was better for the good of everyone. It was this weird balancing act of wills; wanting to save M from the possibility of getting infected with something with not waiting to infect other children with M’s Mssa. I took the later appointment, but I didn’t like doing it.
Tell Us About Margaret’s Name
Margaret is my mom’s name and my dad’s mother’s name. My name is Carissa Potter Carlson—the Potter being from my mom and Carlson from my father. When I first started dating Josh, it was really important to him that he carry on the Keller last name. He wanted it to survive in his bloodline. I said ok. I had rose-colored glasses on and thought I didn't really care at the time. Fast forward 12 years, and we are about to have a baby and I change my mind. I wanted Margaret to have my last name because I am also the last Carlson in my family. So, we settled on Margaret Carlson Keller.
JUST Curious, how did you decide on a name?
What Are the Highs and Lows of Raising Margaret During a Pandemic?
I mean, we were really lucky, my mother-in-law got stuck with us for 8 months and then my dad moved in with us. Without their help, one of us would have had to stop working.
It is hard. I feel like at this moment everyone else has moved on from COVID-19, and for good reason. They want to enjoy life again. To be with people. To feel alive. But we are still very much in lockdown. Less so than we were, as we see people from time-to-time and Margaret has just started school. However, we are waiting on a drug to be approved for Margaret that would make us feel safer with illness. Until then, every time she gets sick, there is a chance her lung function will be permanently damaged and she will build up a tolerance to antibiotics with time. So if we can keep her well, that is ideal.
The other thing I should mention is that her treatments go from 2 hours a day to 4 hours a day when she is sick. And the reality is that 4 hours a day of breathing treatments is a lot.
What Was Your Own Upbringing Like?
I think at the time I thought it was normal. But looking back on everything, I think my family was really progressive. In that my parents lived together but were divorced. My grandfather who is 95 still identifies as a feminist.
I was really lucky to be born into a family that valued expression. And was not super concerned with conforming to societal expectations. They took really good care of us. I always felt loved. That they had our backs. They remembered to pick us up from school. At the time I thought that all families were like that.
I was always labeled the sensitive child and I think at a young age, it was unspoken that I was an artist. They didn’t expressly say it, but the writing was on the wall. My mother had wanted to be an artist. My father longed to be a musician. They gave both myself and my sister Casey the gift of supporting us in doing what we loved.
What About Any Creativity Habits?
Naps. If I’m really stuck, and I can take a nap, a solution will come. I’ll often keep a notebook next to my bed and force myself to get up and make notes. If I fall asleep, I’ll lose it. This is slightly tricky because sometimes you can think an idea is really good in your head while you’re about to fall into a deep rest, and then when you wake up and read what you wrote it's not always that great. But either way, going to sleep after coming up with a really good idea feels nice.
I also keep a sketchbook and I write notes in there and then when I’m stuck I just look through it like a cheat sheet.
What Excites You Most About Motherhood Right Now?
Sharing everything with Margaret. I mean, not everything, but the idea that we can chat and support each other in real ways is awesome. With every stage, it has been interesting. New brain developments, new likes, dislikes. Understanding personhood and its formation is endlessly interesting.
What Makes You the Most Nervous?
EVERYTHING. I don't know anyone who—wait, actually my sister sometimes—doesn't have extreme anxiety about parenting. With Margaret, I worry about her fitting in and feeling accepted as she is. I want her to have meaningful relationships, but getting close to humans is dangerous business when you have CF (or anytime really). I want to protect her heart. And at the same time I want it to be loved and being in love means experiencing loss. It is beautiful and painful and I guess I just want her to experience a full life. Whatever that means to her.
This was lovely. You’re a great Mom. ❤️