This Feels Hard Because It Is Hard.
Screaming on the inside - Talking Motherhood with Jess Grose
I was not delusional before I had a kid. I waited so long because I feel like I had a mental picture of how hard it would be to raise a kid, and I was not ready for it. Nothing could have given me a concrete understanding other than actually doing it. It’s hard. And yet, I still delusionally want a second child.
This week, I talked to Jessica Grose about the unrealistic expectations that we put on mothers in the United States. This book saw me. And I have resources. I have a flexible job and a family that came to help. All the while, it is still really hard.
Jessica Grose is an opinion writer at the New York Times on parenting. She became a go-to person for help during the pandemic when she was reporting on what it was like to be a parent during basically the plague. For her recent book, titled, Screaming on the Inside: The Unsustainability of American Motherhood, Grose looks at the expectations and role of moms for the past two hundred or so years. How did we get here today? Today being this place where we expect everything, all the shocks, to be absorbed by mothers. They should work, they should be beautiful, they should only feel love, they should drop everything for their kids, they should hold down a job and still plan healthy meals. Also, moms these days are expected to be responsible for their child’s happiness. Something that adds an additional burden of enmeshment and also, not to mention, it is not possible to be wholly responsible for someone else’s emotions.
Comment here if you’d like a copy. We have a couple to giveaway to our US-based subscribers. Or pick up a copy for yourself here or at your favorite local bookstore.
There were moments, lots of them actually, that felt really validating in the book. If you are a mom, or parent, or caregiver of any sort, you will be able to relate.
At this moment, I have not yet processed the pandemic. I actually don’t even know if I have the words to talk about it that are effective. I found myself crying thinking about the day that we went into lockdown. I had learned to cope with fear in my life by assuming the worst-case scenario would be what was going to happen and planning for that. The logic was that I would be prepared for whatever, because I was already planning for the worst.
In September 2019, after years of trying to have a child, our first daughter was born. Three weeks later, she was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. At the time, the life expectancy was 30. A hard 30 years. I know I should be grateful for those thirty years - but I focused on the fact that I wanted her to outlive me and this was not probable. We spent the first five months of her life in and out of the hospital, and a new normal was established. The fear of getting sick. The one time I felt like we had a healthy child (we had done all the testing) I had been wrong. I prayed every night. I told god that I would believe in him if he could just make her better.
I also assumed that the world would not shut down in March 2020, and it did. All the uncertainty just confirmed every fear that popped up. This time is so painful to remember, and yet, time has passed, we are in this moment, whatever that is I don’t really know, but I know we are moving forward, without our consent.
Screaming on the Inside takes the temperature of how people are feeling in this moment within the context of motherhood and empowers us to notice how we are feeling and help us make choices that actually help us. Jessica has hope, that systems can change, and that ideas around motherhood are shifting culturally. She does, however, worry that inside the home, things are slowing. Research has shown that women in cisgender heterosexual relationships work on average one more month in their lives while their male partners get an extra month of vacation. It is hard to argue to your partner that they need to do more, and change. What is in it for them? In my opinion, people have to want to change for themselves (I know this because I have tried to change people. It never ends well…)
We spend some time, talking about ambivalence. Mothers are expected to feel nothing but perfect love for their children. This, Grose argues is just not possible. Mothers are still humans too. We are not being honest when we deny ourselves our full range of emotions. What we long for is companionship for feeling joy, rage, and disappointment without judgment. With the pressure to feel only perfect love, we feel bad about what we feel bad about. Guilt becomes heavy. We can’t move through our emotions.
“The fear we have of being found out as less than perfect mothers keeps us from being honest.”
Moms are tired. And maybe just too tired to fight anymore for our basic needs. Screaming on the Inside is a wake-up call for action - but also for acceptance. Things feel hard because they are hard. And change is surprisingly possible, happening all around us.
Love, Carissa
This reminds me that every time someone opens up and says life is hard we need to LISTEN because we don’t listen. It’s why these kind of books are important. This is great validation and hopefully helpful to mothers who feel alone with their feelings.
Single mom here. There was a day (years ago) when my four year old and six year old were lollygagging as I tried unsuccessfully to get them out the door for school. My 4 year old in all her wisdom asked “Do you even like being a mom? I bet it’s not very fun.” 😂🤣😆
She’s known for her sage moments but I diiiiied. I let her know it was the best job ever but it’s very hard. So hard, but those are the gems that keep me going. ❤️ I’m looking forward to buying this book!