Ok, so I am a person who is totally into the idea of self-care. When I say that I mean the theory of putting on your own mask before assisting others. That you have to have your basic needs met before you can help others. I see it in myself – if I repress my needs I end up not giving wholeheartedly. I recognize that I am also a person who makes objects that in some ways turn self-care into a commodity.
I think it has been like 10 years or so since the term self-care came into my lexicon. I saw it being used to sell me face masks, soap, and Smart Water. All the things. I used it to justify taking yoga, getting my nails painted, or buying a dress I would wear once but feel amazing in for a few hours. All of these things are valid but are not solving a problem, on the contrary, they are bandaids for a much deeper systemic problem.
In her book, Real Self-Care, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin takes on the bigger issue of what self-care actually is outside the context of capitalism and the quick fix. The book came from her viral article We Don’t Need Self-Care; We Need Boundaries, where she ponders the question, “We keep being told that self-care is what is going to solve all of our problems, so why isn’t it working?”
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD is a psychiatrist, bestselling author, keynote speaker, and New York Times contributor focused on women's mental health and dismantling toxic wellness culture. Subscribe to her free Substack newsletter Therapy Takeaway.
For Pooja, and me, self-care becomes an additional item on our never-ending to-do list. Our current understanding of self-care has morphed from its origins in psych wards in the 1950’s, to compassion burnout in nurses in the 1960’s and that of Black women and queer folks in activist movements in the 1970’s.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
― audre lorde
With time, capitalism and individualism have taken the concept of self-care and commodified it into that item on your to-do list. That item maybe offers a moment of relief, but not a sustainable solution. Pooja creates a new term for those practices that involve bath salts, yoga retreats, and gratitude journals: Faux Self-Care. This is comical that I am saying this in that I make those things. And I believe in them, too. But, like everything, it is context-dependent. The problem she says with the above methods is that they put the burden of change on the individual. They ignore very real systemic influences that are actively contributing to burnout.
Real Self-Care starts inside of you, as opposed to being prescribed to you by something external. It is a verb, a practice, and the pause that is reflective of an internal decision-making process. Faux self-care doesn’t change larger systems and often leaves you feeling misaligned with yourself.
“What I meant when I said “I Don’t Have Time” is that every minute that passes I am disappointing someone…” –Kate Baer
Pooja’s 4 Principles of real self-care are: setting boundaries, using self-compassion, defining values, and asserting your power (how personal choices lead to systemic change). These principles help and act as guideposts for aligning your inner and outer self. A helpful tool in the book, I found, was Pooja’s Real Self-Care Compass:
These 4 Principles are not methods, or rather they can be, but they go deeper than that into the realm of values. They give you permission to be good enough, to meet yourself where you are at in service of a sustainable future for us all.
I am not saying that I know what you value, or need to feel like yourself, but I do think Real Self-care is an invitation to understand ourselves in a deep, meaningful way. It’s actionable, relatable, and at its core transformative in the ways we think about what it means to care about anything.
We have a couple copies of Real Self-Care to giveaway to our US-based subscribers! Comment here if you’d like a copy. Or grab a copy here. What are some ways you try to practice self-care in your life? Real or faux?
Pooja ends with, “The work of real self-care is to hold hope and pain together.” May we all find the strength to keep going despite the pain of being alive.
So quite honestly, I never understood the desire to do all the "girly" things - put on face masks, makeup, do your hair, etc. Now in my 40's I am starting to slow down and realize that I've been blowing past my life, and my own self care, all these years, and missing out on a lot of "me". Last night, my daughter, my besties, and I all put on face masks, smoked a little, and played Overcooked on the Xbox. I haven't laughed so much, or had so much fun, in a LONG time. I felt totally refreshed today, like a new person, full of hope and excitement. Maybe there is something to this whole self care thing - I'd love a copy of the book to learn more ways I can take care of myself.
Love the re-definition of self care outside of "practices that only take a little bit of time and can unlock even more productivity." It seems like she is recommending doing less stuff, and making the stuff we do more values-aligned. Sounds like self care to me!