When Letting Go Is Hard.
Wanting more than someone can give & disappointing others without fear
I know I quoted Aylet Fishbach last week, but I am going to do it again. In her book, Get It Done, she talks about how we actually learn more from others’ “failures” than we are able to learn from our own shortcomings. The theory behind this is that we are so close to our own, that our biases get in the way of actually being objective about the situation. I am not saying that asking for advice is a form of failure (tho now that I am reading this it seems that way) but more so linking the concept of having a hard time and learning from others’ experiences.
This week, it is such a privilege to talk about some things that are going on in your lives. We did a poll on Instagram asking if you need help with anything right now, and I am going to talk about three that caught my attention, probably because I am going through something similar right now:
allianamail: “I know they aren’t good for me but I don’t want to completely let go. I know I should, but I can’t.”
nathan.homewood: “Being ok with just being friends when you want more”
lyndonstreetfarm: “disappointing others and letting them have the space to deal with it without fear”
allianamail: “I know they aren’t good for me but I don’t want to completely let go. I know I should, but I can’t.”
Stating the obvious before I start: these are just my reflections on the topics. I have zero answers. It is a pill to swallow that life is not always neat and clean and curable. The human condition feels so messy. This reminds me of Pauline Boss’ quote from her book The Myth of Closure: “While simplistic declarations of closure are comforting for bystanders, they are hurtful for the bereaved,” Boss writes. “If we have loved, we will want to remember.”
This person is being pulled by love in many directions: Love for the past and the person. Love for themselves and the future. Letting go is hard for so many reasons, for me, it is a lot about fear. I don’t like to admit it. Fear of uncertainty. The pressure to make the “right decision” even when I know there is none. I forget that humans are resilient and every decision feels like life or death. Letting go also means disappointing others in a culture that teaches us to please others above ourselves at all costs.
This makes me think about a few different times in my life, mostly about romantic loves that I knew were over long before I was able to end things. The only way I was able to get over the grief of a relationship ending was by starting a new one. Morally wrong actions are sometimes necessary to achieve morally right outcomes (total bullshit.) There were moments when my body would not let go. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I see things much more in a state of grey. The type of grey that offers grace and compassion and understanding when times are complex, as they often are.
It’s interesting to me that the person I am thinking about, that I had to let go of, I still dream about. It’s been 18 years of memories warped by time, and I have lost the parts of the relationship that were so bad that we smashed walls and cried for hours on end. I don’t remember what they were about. I do remember the soft moments of reading out loud to each other to sleep, listening to mixed tapes, songs saying all the words we longed to say. I remember the heat of winter and the smell of dirty sheets. However, it ended, for real reasons, it must have, or at least that is what I am telling myself to get by. This perhaps is just a tricky game of framing: my brain’s natural tendency to tread toward the good memories and neglect the hard ones.
GOT a question FOR ME? I want to answer…
To let go, when you know you have to is like choosing both grief and hope. Hope that you have control over your life, hope that there is something that is more in alignment for you out there. But you are giving up the possibility of the known joy. There must have been something you are letting go of that is meaningful and beautiful. Letting go, for me feels like I am a failure. But it’s not true. Life works in cycles. The endings are bittersweet because they are ends and beginnings all in one emotional bundle of nerves.
nathan.homewood: “Being ok with just being friends when you want more”
I used to tell myself that I could be friends with anyone I had been in love with. Regardless of the evolution of the relationship. I am of lots of minds on this topic. My thoughts range from moving on, to reframing them in order to stay friends and wait for reciprocity. And you obviously need to do what is right for you.
I am not sure what you need to hear right now, I want to give you permission and confidence to know what you need and to go for it. I am a strong believer that you can and will find people out there that will love you if you have your own needs taken care of. That all beings are worthy and lovable.
This spectrum of actions starts with the idea of moving on. This is by no means the right course of action - but hear me out. For some, possibly you, it might be too painful to stick with someone who doesn’t feel the same way for you as you do for them. That is totally acceptable, and rational. I want to be the type of person who is good with “rejection” or unequal affection. But I am not, my ego gets in the way. I get jealous. I respond with values that I am not proud of. Mostly things I have learned to project myself. It might be delusional, but there is someone out there that will return the type of love you have for them to you. I think of people like Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who claims that the number one thing that people in romantic relationships find attractive is people who like them. This has been true for me. I guess I am giving you the classic advice that there are most likely more fish in the sea. There is something lovable in each of us, you just need to find it.
One time, (seriously only one time) there was someone in my life who I needed to keep in my life despite the fact that I felt deeply for them in ways that they did not return. I told them I loved them. They told me I didn’t love them (this was seriously the thing they said to throw me off, no one can tell you that you don’t love them. I didn’t fall for it). It was exciting and painful. So I had this idea that I would start to find icks about this person, to associate them with things that I found instinctively unsexy. Like slime. Or food in your teeth. Or the smell of baby lotion. Or raw meat. And one time they were lifting something heavy and I saw their midsection and I felt nothing. It was liberating. And then we have been friends ever since.
Or you could just wait it out if it is not too painful. Time changes things. You never know what will happen in the future. I am just not a patient person, I like instant gratification. And in that sense, waiting for someone has not been something that I am very good at.
lyndonstreetfarm: “disappointing others and letting them have the space to deal with it without fear”
This one was heavy for me. I just spent a weekend with my partner’s sister and her husband. We have several things in common, the major thing: Love for my partner. I really value finding things in common, and sometimes it comes naturally, sometimes not so much. The problem for us seems to stem from different communication styles. Our senses of humor differ. We are both good people, trying to do what is best for everyone, we just have different ideas on what that is and how to get there.
This weekend, I wanted so badly to be connected, to feel loved and secure, and to do that I typically bring up topics that are emotional. In areas that I find meaning in. Every time I tried, I failed. It was my own doing. And then I would overcompensate with words that made the situation more complicated. I wanted to share in our humanness. My vulnerability efforts generated awkward silences. I assume that they were trying to be polite, not wanting to pry into areas that perhaps are shameful. Maybe I should feel more shame? I am a disappointment. And I fear that I am just never going to be a good fit for what their family is comfortable with.
I am thinking, what do I need to hear right now? Will this be helpful for you? I don’t know.
What you are is purely miraculous. To think about all that had to come together, at this moment for your existence, for you to have your views on things, to value what your heart desires is something that you owe that lineage. To honor what has gone into you and trust that it is something worth fighting for. You cannot control other people’s expectations. You can only seek to understand.
It sucks being in a situation where to be true to yourself you need to let someone else down. Whatever you choose to do, whatever you need, honor what is pulling you. Notice what your needs are and it’s ok to disappoint other people. That fear that you are talking about, is really telling you that you care about the other people in your life.
I am also really delighted to share with you some prints I have up with The Poster Club in Denmark. The above image is a painting with text by Nina LaCour.
The above painting is called Stay Close.
Thanks for being here. I am grateful for your support in letting me explore the hard parts of life without judgment or shame. To honor what is and find delight in moving. Or that is what I am hoping to do. Move through it. And exist.
Love, Carissa
Very powerful questions asked and answered. My question is when will it be time to focus on the unapologetic acceptance that no matter what you do, you won't be everyone's cup of tea and that's fantastic. You need not try to fit in to other people's tastes, but rather belong 100% of the time to yourself because that is who's opinion matter most in your life. Or another way of saying it is agree to be the villian in other people's film because you are the hero in yours.