How are you doing this morning? I don’t want to brag or anything, but today I am feeling good. Or really ok. Whatever that means. I can tell you how it feels only in contrast to what the past couple of weeks felt like.
I have hope. I am excited about the future. I am able to be in the present. For this moment.
What is the recipe for joy? Is there one for you? I have been trying to figure this out my whole life.
The past few weeks have been really hard, for no good reason. And then this week, starting on Friday, I felt better.
Naturally, I blame it on Josh. We tend to think that we have control over our moods. That we can be the people we want to be. But I feel like it is SO much more complicated. I crave simple answers when clearly there are none. Or they are out of my sphere of comprehension.
Josh had been having, well, a hard time. I was going to try to quantify it, but I cannot. Or maybe I was having a hard time, and I infected Josh? We live together so it is hard to know who started it. Where the depression began.
It got bad the last few weeks. There was one point where in my head, I thought, well we are all in so much pain, maybe I can understand why groups of people commit suicide. (Side note, I am really ANTI-self-harm of any sort. I very much strongly believe that harming yourself is like harming the people around you who love you. And the guilt of not wanting to harm the people around me keeps me alive.)
For a while, I reasoned that my student loan debt kept me alive, since my grandfather was the co-signer on my loans, he at the ripe age of 95 would be saddled with a mountain of debt and grief. He survived the Depression, but would he be able to make it through this? It is hard to say. I don’t want to know.
His mantra throughout life has been, “every day is a good day to be alive.” I am not sure what he meant exactly by this. Typically, he would follow that up with, “I wish I could have been a bit taller, but you know, all my tall friends are dead, so I guess I was the lucky one in the end.”
Sadness is contagious. And its origins are unknown. But this must mean that joy is also contagious. That being around people who start to feel good, can have the same effect.
Recently, on a Friday morning, Josh had a meeting at 6 am. It was early. When we first met, he would wake up every day on his own accord at 6 am. Just to get going. To get things done. To be alive. I would sleep until I had to be somewhere. Or someone would make me get up. If I had a day that was un-programmed, I would sleep.
Over the years, we slowly reversed roles. He would sleep longer, to avoid life, I would get up earlier because I had to. To tackle the impending weight of work that needed to be looked after. Or find joy in the garden. My plants needed me. They were counting on me. (I was also counting on them. Plants are great listeners. You don’t even have to speak and they understand.)
I used to think that the secret to a good relationship was that whoever was sad first, the other person just had to suck it up and support.
When I think about it, this theory of mine came about before we got married.
Both Josh and I did a really good job of hiding our mental illness before tying the knot. Somehow, I was able to hold in my sad thoughts and rally. It was not like anyone was really asking me to. It was just something I did. I didn’t want to appear crazy. And I wanted to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. That society wanted me to be. And I was able to fake it. Yes. Long enough for us to be legally bound.
Did I tell you that I Googled, “How does having a special needs child affect marriages”? Apparently, the answer is “not well.”
I was hoping to find out that, with time and understanding, it would make couples stronger. That having a shared purpose would create a strong foundation. And it might for some people. Statistically speaking, it is hard on marriages. No judgment there.
In some ways, I felt unburdened by learning this fact. That it was indeed hard and acknowledging that difficulty was liberating. Like I was not making this hard in my head. It was objectively hard. Thanks, Google.
RESOLUTION: I vow to try my best NOT to let Google decide the outcome of my marriage. Or the health of my daughter. I will try my best NOT to turn to Google when having anxiety of any sort. We will see if this promise will last even one day…
Nevertheless, over the past few weeks, with ambiguous origins (like the state of the world?), we were both sad. We both were so tired that we were not able to lift ourselves up, much less the other person.
And then, suddenly, a seismic shift happened. Perhaps in my imagination, but still.
I felt him start to feel better. And then, I felt better. Or was it the other way around?
I am still trying to figure out the equation for joy. I am searching for that exact moment that things started to turn around. I want to be able to pull the joy out of my pocket when things get intense.
Is emotional regulation even possible? I know a lot of qualified therapists say that it is, but as someone who has been trying to be “emotionally regulated” for years with only moderate success, I am dubious.
I am very interested in what works for you. VERY.
BONUS: Here are some of your thoughts on why sadness feels like it will never end –
Sending you lots of love and light,
Carissa
I think we have a tendency to hold onto unpleasant emotions, as if to examine them, figure out why they are here, poke around to understand them. We don't do that with joy. We just say, "Oh, there you are," and then sort of ignore it. Joy is uncomplicated. Other emotions need to be "figured out". But, maybe if we just said, "Oh, there you are," to sadness, and went about our business, like we do with joy, maybe it would seem fleeting, too? xo
what's worked for me for the past few months, after what feels like a lifetime of being unregulated, is sticking to a few daily activities that i know make me feel good. simply, it's a combination of movement, absorbing, and releasing. in a day, that can look like a hike, reading a book, and writing 3 pages in my journal. other days, it's a yoga class, watching a movie, and having dinner with my friends. or going for a walk, being in nature, painting. it feels like i'm taking one long, deep breath every day - inhaling (absorb), sitting with it (move), exhaling (release). in no particular order. of course this isn't scientifically proven and who knows if it has longevity but it's been making me feel literally incredible for at least the past 3 months!!!!! maybe also in part due to my new addiction to mushroom coffee...lol....