I think there's a reason why it's uncommon for therapists to speak in absolutes like that, especially about something projecting into the future. You can trust in your relationship with M, and with yourself, to know if telling her would make sense in the future. I don't like professionals seeding self-doubt about parenting children that they don't have to parent. Sending love.
I agree. It sounds like your therapist was speaking (unconsciously) about what she could or could not handle sharing with her (potential) child. I am a therapist and as imperfect and human as I am, I can’t imagine ever telling someone what they should or should not share with their child, especially regarding their true mother/child story. You made the best choice available at the time. It is wonderful that there is a drug treatment for cystic fibrosis that makes a normal lifespan possible. ❤️
I completely agree. This sounds like the therapist's way of healing and/or avoiding harm, but only you know what works for you and your daughter. And when and how it might work.
Mudita: joy in the joy of others. I attended a live meditation on this app recently that introduced that concept. I like that there’s a word for it. And a beautiful one at that.
Mudita, a Sanskrit and Pali word, translates to "sympathetic joy" or "unselfish joy," and is a Buddhist concept that describes the joy one feels for another's good fortune, success, or happiness. It's a state of mind cultivated by appreciating the joy of others without envy or jealousy. I WISH I HAD KNOWN ABOUT THIS SOONER.
Carissa, I've been a long-time admirer of your work, both written and physical. (I'm the owner over at Willinglee, we carry some of your items for our gift boxes!). I just want to say: thank you so much for sharing so openly and honestly. This is a salve for me in my current state—I recently miscarried and it's been hard for me, mentally. Your writing is a reminder that life is hard for most people and if we share that with each other, we'll all become stronger for it. xoxo
I think it's more about the timing. Some truths are too heavy to share and too heavy to keep for yourself. My case is different, but I had a question on when to tell my daughter that I had an IVG before her birth.
A friend who is a therapist told me to tell her when she wil be way older (she's only 11). I have always talked to her about almost everything, even when she was a toddler. She knows there are tough things and situations in life, she knows in abstract that I survived somethings. Nevertheless, her love for me and her will to make us proud also makes it clear that she doesn't know yet how to untangle our life stories. So it's too much information for the moment.
It's not about hiding information, it's about sharing it when her heart and brain will be mature enough and able to receive it and not feel guilty. When she will understand that it was an adult choice, based on love, and care. If I had had her brother, she wouldn't exist. It's a tough information to digest. I will tell her when she will not feel like she has to heal me from my pain or live up for someone else who didn't get to live.
As also don't tell her yet about other things that I have lived and experienced and that have formed me - may it be abuse, diseases, stupid actions as a teen, or really great life experiences on work, or travelling, or through freindship and love. She is too young to understand certain things. I am not hiding it, I am waiting for her to be old enough to understand it. I don't want her to transform my personal choices and pains into something she has to deal with, or my personal achievements into something she has to live up to also.
She already has her own pains, her own battles, her own life to grapple with. She will have her amount of losses and gains, grief and joys. She will learn more about me when she will be able to dissociate further her life and mine.
Never say never. I’m 40 w cf. I have an adopted younger sibling. I spent years furious that my parents wouldn’t tell me the real reason he was adopted. And then I got over it. Parenting is hard. Two kids with cf is hard. And while I can 💯 relate to M wanting a sibling with it, I also have moments where I think about what that dynamic would’ve been like.
I think there's a reason why it's uncommon for therapists to speak in absolutes like that, especially about something projecting into the future. You can trust in your relationship with M, and with yourself, to know if telling her would make sense in the future. I don't like professionals seeding self-doubt about parenting children that they don't have to parent. Sending love.
I am still confused as to why she said that in completeness. I want, or I hope to nurture a relationship with M where we can understand each other.
I agree. It sounds like your therapist was speaking (unconsciously) about what she could or could not handle sharing with her (potential) child. I am a therapist and as imperfect and human as I am, I can’t imagine ever telling someone what they should or should not share with their child, especially regarding their true mother/child story. You made the best choice available at the time. It is wonderful that there is a drug treatment for cystic fibrosis that makes a normal lifespan possible. ❤️
I completely agree. This sounds like the therapist's way of healing and/or avoiding harm, but only you know what works for you and your daughter. And when and how it might work.
Thank you for this, Carissa. I appreciate you.
Love you Katy. So lucky to know you.
ALSO this new baby is Sarahs :) I didnt know you had a substack...
Mudita: joy in the joy of others. I attended a live meditation on this app recently that introduced that concept. I like that there’s a word for it. And a beautiful one at that.
Mudita, a Sanskrit and Pali word, translates to "sympathetic joy" or "unselfish joy," and is a Buddhist concept that describes the joy one feels for another's good fortune, success, or happiness. It's a state of mind cultivated by appreciating the joy of others without envy or jealousy. I WISH I HAD KNOWN ABOUT THIS SOONER.
You could absolutely hold my babies <3
Could I come over right now?
anytime!!!
Carissa, I've been a long-time admirer of your work, both written and physical. (I'm the owner over at Willinglee, we carry some of your items for our gift boxes!). I just want to say: thank you so much for sharing so openly and honestly. This is a salve for me in my current state—I recently miscarried and it's been hard for me, mentally. Your writing is a reminder that life is hard for most people and if we share that with each other, we'll all become stronger for it. xoxo
Thank you for sharing this!
I think it's more about the timing. Some truths are too heavy to share and too heavy to keep for yourself. My case is different, but I had a question on when to tell my daughter that I had an IVG before her birth.
A friend who is a therapist told me to tell her when she wil be way older (she's only 11). I have always talked to her about almost everything, even when she was a toddler. She knows there are tough things and situations in life, she knows in abstract that I survived somethings. Nevertheless, her love for me and her will to make us proud also makes it clear that she doesn't know yet how to untangle our life stories. So it's too much information for the moment.
It's not about hiding information, it's about sharing it when her heart and brain will be mature enough and able to receive it and not feel guilty. When she will understand that it was an adult choice, based on love, and care. If I had had her brother, she wouldn't exist. It's a tough information to digest. I will tell her when she will not feel like she has to heal me from my pain or live up for someone else who didn't get to live.
As also don't tell her yet about other things that I have lived and experienced and that have formed me - may it be abuse, diseases, stupid actions as a teen, or really great life experiences on work, or travelling, or through freindship and love. She is too young to understand certain things. I am not hiding it, I am waiting for her to be old enough to understand it. I don't want her to transform my personal choices and pains into something she has to deal with, or my personal achievements into something she has to live up to also.
She already has her own pains, her own battles, her own life to grapple with. She will have her amount of losses and gains, grief and joys. She will learn more about me when she will be able to dissociate further her life and mine.
Never say never. I’m 40 w cf. I have an adopted younger sibling. I spent years furious that my parents wouldn’t tell me the real reason he was adopted. And then I got over it. Parenting is hard. Two kids with cf is hard. And while I can 💯 relate to M wanting a sibling with it, I also have moments where I think about what that dynamic would’ve been like.
And my brother and I are bonded over being unwanted in different ways.