Yes, yes, and more yes. So much goes into our notion of what makes a good partner and our understanding of what we need and want. Plus as you say, our awareness of what marriage will look like can only be based on our life experience and our relationship thus far.
I said “I do” during a period of time in my twenties when I was unsure about my future and what I wanted for my life. I had zero insight at the time as to why I couldn’t bring myself to say no to the proposal and I had a nagging sense that it was a big mistake.
I was raised in a traditional family with no divorce or openly acknowledged dysfunction. Though I was and am a feminist, I had no doubt that whatever career I pursued, I would ultimately be a wife and mother who trusted her stable professional man to “take care of everything.” That was the example I was raised with and it never really occurred to me that it was important and valid to prioritize following my passion and forging my own path. Interestingly, I was always way more capable than my husband, and in marriage I DID take care of myself, and everyone else in all kinds of ways, though it took many years to realize. Subconsciously, I saw myself as a person swimming in open water who needed a boat to cling to. Sad really, when you consider that, that was true for most of the women who’ve ever lived on this earth throughout history. It was not accurate for me, but I didn’t know it.
Point of the story is that even though I had lots of dreams and talent before I chose to move home and get married, my own subconscious pressure won out. Makes me wonder what some good premarital Counseling, or any counseling for that matter, could’ve done for me!
Have to leave a second comment (after reading the second half). This writing! This observation of commitment and expectation gets at something I have felt but never seen in writing quite like this. Its wonderful.
I love this!! All of this. First, I love hearing about families and love reading about yours. How lucky that your parents (and your father) was able to show your mother and his children that kind of love and respect. Also, the notes!!! On the plane! Before I met my husband I was SURE I would meet the perfect guy on a plane. 🤍
Yes, yes, and more yes. So much goes into our notion of what makes a good partner and our understanding of what we need and want. Plus as you say, our awareness of what marriage will look like can only be based on our life experience and our relationship thus far.
I said “I do” during a period of time in my twenties when I was unsure about my future and what I wanted for my life. I had zero insight at the time as to why I couldn’t bring myself to say no to the proposal and I had a nagging sense that it was a big mistake.
I was raised in a traditional family with no divorce or openly acknowledged dysfunction. Though I was and am a feminist, I had no doubt that whatever career I pursued, I would ultimately be a wife and mother who trusted her stable professional man to “take care of everything.” That was the example I was raised with and it never really occurred to me that it was important and valid to prioritize following my passion and forging my own path. Interestingly, I was always way more capable than my husband, and in marriage I DID take care of myself, and everyone else in all kinds of ways, though it took many years to realize. Subconsciously, I saw myself as a person swimming in open water who needed a boat to cling to. Sad really, when you consider that, that was true for most of the women who’ve ever lived on this earth throughout history. It was not accurate for me, but I didn’t know it.
Point of the story is that even though I had lots of dreams and talent before I chose to move home and get married, my own subconscious pressure won out. Makes me wonder what some good premarital Counseling, or any counseling for that matter, could’ve done for me!
Have to leave a second comment (after reading the second half). This writing! This observation of commitment and expectation gets at something I have felt but never seen in writing quite like this. Its wonderful.
I love this!! All of this. First, I love hearing about families and love reading about yours. How lucky that your parents (and your father) was able to show your mother and his children that kind of love and respect. Also, the notes!!! On the plane! Before I met my husband I was SURE I would meet the perfect guy on a plane. 🤍
Carissa, What would we do without you? thanks for the insight