Creating meaningful ways to remember

sitting with sadness, showing up for grief in it's many forms

If there was a way for grief to be less lonely, it was worth a try. If there was a space that was warm and thoughtfully made, not a stop-gap program but an evolving ecosystem, it was worth trying to build it.

At the beginning of this month, we launched a new journal, Sitting With Sadness, our collaboration with Maddie and Mar, and the follow-up to our best-selling deck. Maddie and Mar, are the tenders of grief behind ____Less a soft landing with resources for loss by two people who have been there.

"Grief has taught, and continues to teach me that growing in your own time is not a detriment but a due course. Grow how and as long as you need. Bloom when you must and as long as you can. Start again. Grief waters all things: roots, hopes, losses, and blooms."

Here is the full interview with ____Less. This interview is for you if you are grieving and don’t know what to do. Also if you find yourself wanting to offer support to someone right now, read on:

1. What is the origin story of Less? 

   1. We are two longtime friends, further bonded by the premature grief of our mothers in our early twenties. In supporting each other, through grief and growth, we wondered what it might feel like to create a resource for other grievers: to share, to connect, to create, to grieve. If there was a way for grief to be less lonely, it was worth a try. If there was a space that was warm and thoughtfully made, not a stop-gap program but an evolving ecosystem, it was worth trying to build it.
      Our initial idea (still a hope) was to compile a book that drew from our own griever community and grievers we admired. There are many people that taught us how to think outside the box and create meaningful ways to remember. Be it through writing, photography, art, dance, science, etc. Our ethos is show not tell, to let the griever be the expert of their own experience, so why not show people ways to connect, find beauty, memorialize loved ones and make grief real?
      We started with instagram, just finished our website, and have grown our initial book idea into making an application for creative grief strategies. 

2. What are the personal losses you've experienced that made you want to help other grievers? (if you're comfortable sharing)

   1. [MP] When I was 13, my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, a movement disorder that hijacks the nervous system and worsens over time. She slowly faded away and died when I was 27. My grieving her was anticipatory and felt life-long, and in truth lacked adequate support and conversation. It was hard to approach and stomach the reality of, especially for me.

   2. [MB]: The summer before eighth grade, my childhood best friend, Malia, called and told me her father died. She cried, telling me she’d found him. A heart attack. I was nineteen when my mom was told she had early stage melanoma. A growth was cut from her hip. They thought they’d caught it. I was twenty-one when she died. A year later my gran died from heart complications. A friend’s mother died by suicide. And another friend from cancer. This year, Malia, died from mid-esophageal cancer. Before she died, we spoke for the first time about parent loss and grief. She said she’d never spoken about it with anyone. Nobody understood. Nobody wanted to know. She chose to be positive, but her heart had never mended. She never emotionally moved past it. 

3. What is the worst thing someone can say to someone who is grieving? 

   1. [MP]: “She’s in a better place.” “You’re so strong.” These two things can land differently than their intention.

   2. [MB]: Not saying something. Even if it feels safer, it’s sadder for the griever. Take a risk. If you say the wrong thing, apologize. I think it’s great to offer a preface like I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and causing you more pain, but... Whatever you say will not fix or break what’s already broken, but it can bring belonging to a time of getting lost. If saying words fail, write a note. If words still fail, draw a picture or send a doodle. 

4. What was comforting for you to hear when you were grieving?

   1. [MP]: “I’ll check in again soon,” “I love you,” “You carry her spirit,” “She loved being your mom.” And friends’ accounts of her wild side.

   2. [MB]: Stories about them. Stories about where people still find them now. Promises to remember. 

5. Is there a prompt from the book that helped you out the most while grieving? (if not, can you pick a favorite and briefly share why?)

   1. [MP]: Many of the rituals bring meaning and comfort to my grief. A favorite is: “Safely go for a walk or drive with one of ____’s favorite songs.” I do this all the time. When in step with, or on the road with one of my Mom’s songs, she is the closest.

   2. [MB]: The yearly ritual, specifically for hard days like the day my mom died. At first it gave me somewhere to go and something to do. Later it added something to a day of subtraction. Now, it’s a day to share and surprise the people I love. Example here

6. What is something you'd like to say to someone right now who might be going through it?

   1. [MP]: Know that I am here for you. I will sit and remember  ____ with you when the time feels right.

   2. [MB]: What was _____’s name? Tell me about them. And this quote: “Although nothing much can be seen through the mist, there is somehow the blissful feeling that one is looking in the right direction.” - Nabokov

To get the journal that we made with ____Less, exploring grief, you can find it here:

Make sure you follow _____Less on substack here:

Sending you so much love, 

Carissa