Dear one~I feel its completely normal to not be overjoyed/excited/thrilled with the good fortune of having a much needed therapy now available. If it were so, one might conclude that you are putting all your eggs in one basket and that feels much more susceptible to disappointment. Measured joy for a possibly wonderful thing~like love or a relationship. We should not want one to “complete” us but rather to enhance or make better in many ways during our time with that person. Perhaps the same can be true of a drug or a safe home or a delicious meal? Adding wonder and joy and comfort to our life but not changing it 100% in any direction. That seems like a recipe for mental instability.
The ability to not be overwhelmed with joy for a “new thing” or possible change js to be applauded in my mind as it suggests you are able to weave a change into your life and stay steady and strong during the process.
Take good care in this deeply fluctuating process we call life✨
A sin I committed that I want to get off my chest is that I left *numerous* scathing Amazon reviews for a "beet jerky" made by an elitist, arrogant, white-dreaded naturalist Trustafarian chef named Theo. I actively want his business to fail. :) I loved this sin, tbh.
I am here for you 100%. My imagination fails me to fully begin to understand what your life is like each day. I can say for certain I know the know man's one walks through when presented with the feeling of ambivalence. I liken it when you are in a plane caught circling the airport until a terminal is free. If you ever need to go check out one of those rooms where they let you destroy stuff with sledgehammer let's make a date. I believe in the release valve and sometimes breaking some stuff, some primal screaming can help move those complicated feelings through the body. It doesn't solve the problem in front of you, only helps you reset you so you can continue a bit more loose and not so quite white knuckled and stomach knotted. 😉 🥰🥰🥰
Thank you for sharing this, Carissa. I can deeply relate to the experience of feeling one way but feeling like you should feel another way. This phenomenon definitely makes any struggle event more fraught.
Hi Carissa, I really appreciate your vulnerability in writing to us about your ambivalence about Trifakta’s age expansion. Sending energy to you and your family for peace of mind, good health, and longevity. And joy, lots of joy. I affirm your decision to up your Zoloft dosage, you know what you need to maintain, and I am glad you are proactive in taking care of yourself. I’m holding you in a soft space as you move ahead with the mulling things over and all the considerations.
Also, one of the sins I don’t really want to share, but maybe sharing will lighten things for me, is that years ago, during my marriage, I cheated on my spouse. Repeatedly, and without regret. Not as vengeance, and I am sad that I hurt him, but for my own ability to survive things. Naturally, it was complicated. There has been healing on both our parts since, but what is ickiest to me is I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I consciously *did it anyway.* That’s defined as a mortal sin, by those who define those things. So, I know my place in hell has a Reserved sign on it. Life sure hasn’t been what I ever could have expected. And I’m more-or-less okay with that now.
My heart goes out to you. Yet I am thankful my child is healthy. It could have been bad for us. He is a child born of surrogacy to older parents (me & my spouse). I guess that's called ambivalence.
I do hope your daughter doesn't have to suffer too much during the tests & it all really works out for you. Prayers.
I didn't get to read your newsletter till today this week. I didn't read through all the comments but I came here to say that not only is it understandable that it would be hard to accept something positive after a lot of worst case scenario thinking -- but disability parenting and medical interventions are EXHAUSTING and it's reasonable that if you felt like you had gotten to a point where you had the routines and the medical care down and it wasn't requiring a lot of executive function just to get through every day, and then you have to go back to learning, trying new things, having setbacks, having to make adjustments, dealing with new side effects, etc -- that is all HELLA OVERWHELMING. I know that I have been offered therapies etc for my daughter and just dragged my feet on following up because I just did not have the wherewithal personally to push that boulder up the hill. So I just wanted to say that I see you.
Thank you for this beautiful honesty and giving us all permission to deeply feel the whirlwind of conflicting emotions that hit us like a brick wall. Sending you and M love + light during this exciting and excruciating time!
The ambivalence I feel when someone I love gets something I've been craving is very real. I also realise that I completely misused the word 'ambivalence' before reading this; I used to think it meant being indifferent but I now realise it is a word that I can add high up on the list to describe myself!
My partner recently got a pay rise after I had turned down a high paying job for better work/life balance. Being both very happy for him and being concerned I made the wrong or "unfeminist" decision to not take the role of the breadwinner has been very overwhelming. And, like you say, is difficult to talk about without coming across as a selfish person...
Wow, what a ride. Is it ok to say I felt ambivalent when reading this? As someone with multiple chronic illnesses (and no chance of relief or a cure), it's always weird to me to read stuff about treatments that works and how people react to ill health. But that's me.
One thing I did not feel ambivalent about is that I sincerely hope your daughter gets to live a long and happy life (whether her health gets better or not) 🤍🌈
"There are no beginnings and ends for me these days. But I want to keep going. Not for logical reasons, but programmed somewhere inside my being there is a source that feels like this life is worth it."
Thank you for this. Like has been a rollercoaster lately and I'm not sure if I ever get off before I start a new one or if it's just one long ride. But there is something inside me too that just KNOWS I should keep going.
I felt very mixed when Xolair, a drug that mitigates food allergies and would lower the threat of anaphylactic shock from airborne or minor exposure to my laundry list of food allergies, was approved. I was terrified it wouldn’t work. Excited it might. Nervous that I would be a completely different person when I didn’t have to worry about anaphylaxis in a grocery store. Would I have anything to advocate for? Would I still remember how to cook once I could eat more processed foods? What if it didn’t completely change the game and what if it did? Thanks for giving voice to this experience - it’s a lot more complex than people tend to think.
Dear one~I feel its completely normal to not be overjoyed/excited/thrilled with the good fortune of having a much needed therapy now available. If it were so, one might conclude that you are putting all your eggs in one basket and that feels much more susceptible to disappointment. Measured joy for a possibly wonderful thing~like love or a relationship. We should not want one to “complete” us but rather to enhance or make better in many ways during our time with that person. Perhaps the same can be true of a drug or a safe home or a delicious meal? Adding wonder and joy and comfort to our life but not changing it 100% in any direction. That seems like a recipe for mental instability.
The ability to not be overwhelmed with joy for a “new thing” or possible change js to be applauded in my mind as it suggests you are able to weave a change into your life and stay steady and strong during the process.
Take good care in this deeply fluctuating process we call life✨
A sin I committed that I want to get off my chest is that I left *numerous* scathing Amazon reviews for a "beet jerky" made by an elitist, arrogant, white-dreaded naturalist Trustafarian chef named Theo. I actively want his business to fail. :) I loved this sin, tbh.
Just sending good vibes your way. xoxo
Wishing you and M and Josh love and comfort, and hoping it works out, in all ways, for the very best. xo
I am here for you 100%. My imagination fails me to fully begin to understand what your life is like each day. I can say for certain I know the know man's one walks through when presented with the feeling of ambivalence. I liken it when you are in a plane caught circling the airport until a terminal is free. If you ever need to go check out one of those rooms where they let you destroy stuff with sledgehammer let's make a date. I believe in the release valve and sometimes breaking some stuff, some primal screaming can help move those complicated feelings through the body. It doesn't solve the problem in front of you, only helps you reset you so you can continue a bit more loose and not so quite white knuckled and stomach knotted. 😉 🥰🥰🥰
Thank you for sharing this, Carissa. I can deeply relate to the experience of feeling one way but feeling like you should feel another way. This phenomenon definitely makes any struggle event more fraught.
Hi Carissa, I really appreciate your vulnerability in writing to us about your ambivalence about Trifakta’s age expansion. Sending energy to you and your family for peace of mind, good health, and longevity. And joy, lots of joy. I affirm your decision to up your Zoloft dosage, you know what you need to maintain, and I am glad you are proactive in taking care of yourself. I’m holding you in a soft space as you move ahead with the mulling things over and all the considerations.
Also, one of the sins I don’t really want to share, but maybe sharing will lighten things for me, is that years ago, during my marriage, I cheated on my spouse. Repeatedly, and without regret. Not as vengeance, and I am sad that I hurt him, but for my own ability to survive things. Naturally, it was complicated. There has been healing on both our parts since, but what is ickiest to me is I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I consciously *did it anyway.* That’s defined as a mortal sin, by those who define those things. So, I know my place in hell has a Reserved sign on it. Life sure hasn’t been what I ever could have expected. And I’m more-or-less okay with that now.
With heartfelt tenderness, Lisa
My heart goes out to you. Yet I am thankful my child is healthy. It could have been bad for us. He is a child born of surrogacy to older parents (me & my spouse). I guess that's called ambivalence.
I do hope your daughter doesn't have to suffer too much during the tests & it all really works out for you. Prayers.
I didn't get to read your newsletter till today this week. I didn't read through all the comments but I came here to say that not only is it understandable that it would be hard to accept something positive after a lot of worst case scenario thinking -- but disability parenting and medical interventions are EXHAUSTING and it's reasonable that if you felt like you had gotten to a point where you had the routines and the medical care down and it wasn't requiring a lot of executive function just to get through every day, and then you have to go back to learning, trying new things, having setbacks, having to make adjustments, dealing with new side effects, etc -- that is all HELLA OVERWHELMING. I know that I have been offered therapies etc for my daughter and just dragged my feet on following up because I just did not have the wherewithal personally to push that boulder up the hill. So I just wanted to say that I see you.
Thank you for this beautiful honesty and giving us all permission to deeply feel the whirlwind of conflicting emotions that hit us like a brick wall. Sending you and M love + light during this exciting and excruciating time!
The ambivalence I feel when someone I love gets something I've been craving is very real. I also realise that I completely misused the word 'ambivalence' before reading this; I used to think it meant being indifferent but I now realise it is a word that I can add high up on the list to describe myself!
My partner recently got a pay rise after I had turned down a high paying job for better work/life balance. Being both very happy for him and being concerned I made the wrong or "unfeminist" decision to not take the role of the breadwinner has been very overwhelming. And, like you say, is difficult to talk about without coming across as a selfish person...
Sending you all positive energy from the UK 🤝
Wow, what a ride. Is it ok to say I felt ambivalent when reading this? As someone with multiple chronic illnesses (and no chance of relief or a cure), it's always weird to me to read stuff about treatments that works and how people react to ill health. But that's me.
One thing I did not feel ambivalent about is that I sincerely hope your daughter gets to live a long and happy life (whether her health gets better or not) 🤍🌈
Sending you love
"There are no beginnings and ends for me these days. But I want to keep going. Not for logical reasons, but programmed somewhere inside my being there is a source that feels like this life is worth it."
Thank you for this. Like has been a rollercoaster lately and I'm not sure if I ever get off before I start a new one or if it's just one long ride. But there is something inside me too that just KNOWS I should keep going.
I felt very mixed when Xolair, a drug that mitigates food allergies and would lower the threat of anaphylactic shock from airborne or minor exposure to my laundry list of food allergies, was approved. I was terrified it wouldn’t work. Excited it might. Nervous that I would be a completely different person when I didn’t have to worry about anaphylaxis in a grocery store. Would I have anything to advocate for? Would I still remember how to cook once I could eat more processed foods? What if it didn’t completely change the game and what if it did? Thanks for giving voice to this experience - it’s a lot more complex than people tend to think.