This week, I am writing about a sensitive spot. I wanted to write about what I was thinking, but also I want to be respectful that some situations are outside of the realm of forgiveness and understanding. I am talking about transgressions that don’t question anyone’s safety. In addition, it should be noted that I am just a person who spends a lot of time thinking about these things, and not a trained professional. If you are experiencing discomfort around relationships, this might be a sign that you need some help processing. Click here for Lori Gotlieb’s really amazing book, “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” which is a good starting point.
When is ok to de-friend someone? I don’t know about you, but I have had a lot of defriending going on in my life. None yet to me, but I am sure I have been defriended by people - people who just didn’t tell me that they were doing that. Just slowly fading out of my life is a form of friendship loss when I think about it. And that’s okay. Friendships take work, and it is hard to know when someone is so important that you make the effort to keep them around. Today, I want to give thought to the idea that it’s okay to let things go and it’s also okay to put up a fight - relationships are hard and we all play an equally important role in them.
Over the weekend, I got a text from a good friend telling me that they had de-friended two of their closest friends. Blocked them actually. I told josh this and he said it was so middle school - something that josh says when he is not intending on sounding dismissive, but actually is being dismissive.
But I don’t think we should be dismissive of a statement as an act of separation. If I have learned anything about myself during this pandemic is that people seem to push people away when they need them most. I feel like these unkind behaviors would fall under the maladaptive trait category. An example would be the silent treatment. Have you ever given this to someone as a form of punishment when you are feeling hurt?
I do it. I know it is fucked up - but I am learning to be better. Trying to take accountability for my role in every situation. The concept is that everyone has a part that they are playing - and the responsibility to critically look at their behavior and complicity in each situation. To separate the person from the action. And the pain you feel from the person who “caused” it.
Have you de-friended someone since the pandemic started? Was it all their fault? Maybe it was. Bad things do happen. You don’t deserve unkindness. I don’t know the situation, but the theory that is helping me come to terms with the complexity of human relationships is that most interactions are this tango where we share blame and innocence.
It is hard. Hard to take a look at parts of your default actions when you are hurt and think about how you could have also hurt others. To separate the person from the action - both you and your actions and others and their actions. This practice has helped me break the cycles of pain.
Are you someone who feels like people get what they deserve? I am not. I am a person who is actively trying to break cycles of pain - however, I am also a person who does it. I respond to someone being “rude” to me with rudeness. I match the tone of others without my conscious consent.
It has been my experience that when people do things like de-friend someone, in a lot of circumstances, it is because they are in pain and need help. That hurt people hurt others. And I think I owe it to you to be kind and not perpetuate the cycle of pain by returning it to you.
This week, I am interviewing Kieran Setiya on his new book Life is Hard. This book is like an outstretched hand to hold on to during tough times. As a person seeking meaning and understanding that fits within my worldview, Life is Hard offers that. It doesn’t try to cheer me up, but it does lift my spirit by acknowledging that life is in fact full of pain and suffering. That it is part of the human condition. Personally, most of the time, I am not looking for someone to fix me, I just want someone to sit with me. Setiya offers up adjustments to perspective (from how humans have dealt with adversity through the discipline of philosophy) and how the concept of living our best life now puts unnecessary pressure on us. This book sits with you and listens to your struggle without sounding preachy or offering to fix anything (the irony is that after moving through the book and the pain of existence, there is a part of you that actually does feel better).
I have a book to send you! Let me know if you are interested in receiving a hard copy of Life Is Hard by commenting here:
Kieran Setiya is a professor of philosophy at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the author of Midlife: A Philosophical Guide. His writing has appeared in the Los Angeles Review of Books, The Times Literary Supplement (London), the London Review of Books, The New York Times, Aeon, and The Yale Review.
As always, this is my favorite thing to do, process complex emotions and redefine what it means to be alive right now. Thanks for reading and if something resonated with you, I would be honored if you shared it with a friend.
Love Forever, and a few moments after that, Carissa
thank you for this lovely letter and perspective, very grateful 💜 i would like to offer a little to this complex soup of a topic (as we're holding many things in our hands at once) that sometimes 'the silent treatment' isn't an intentional action, rather an inaction, or re-action from people who are in freeze as a trauma response, or who are non-verbal in situations where they have been hurt, and don't know what to say or how to resolve the situation. they wait for the thaw, to find their voice again, so they can explain why they couldn't speak, which might be a while... after which, the other person is so very angry-hurt, there is little resolution which can repair the harm. there are so many complexities aren't there? 🪐
sending love and ease and care from an ever-learning late-not-late diagnosed neurospicy human who longs for connection, but can become frozen when jabbed too many times when feeling boundaries have been violated. 🙋🏽♀️💜
going through a really difficult time right now (which is how i ended up subscribing to this newsletter, in hopes of finding some comfort), i would love to receive a copy of this book not only to read & better myself, but i also think my siblings & other family members struggling with their mental health would greatly benefit from it too! would love to see what this book is all about! :) <3