thank you for this lovely letter and perspective, very grateful 💜 i would like to offer a little to this complex soup of a topic (as we're holding many things in our hands at once) that sometimes 'the silent treatment' isn't an intentional action, rather an inaction, or re-action from people who are in freeze as a trauma response, or who are non-verbal in situations where they have been hurt, and don't know what to say or how to resolve the situation. they wait for the thaw, to find their voice again, so they can explain why they couldn't speak, which might be a while... after which, the other person is so very angry-hurt, there is little resolution which can repair the harm. there are so many complexities aren't there? 🪐
sending love and ease and care from an ever-learning late-not-late diagnosed neurospicy human who longs for connection, but can become frozen when jabbed too many times when feeling boundaries have been violated. 🙋🏽♀️💜
going through a really difficult time right now (which is how i ended up subscribing to this newsletter, in hopes of finding some comfort), i would love to receive a copy of this book not only to read & better myself, but i also think my siblings & other family members struggling with their mental health would greatly benefit from it too! would love to see what this book is all about! :) <3
I'm here for the book. Mostly, because I was thinking about the same thing recently. It's always a sweet spot to know if de-friending someone is the right way to go about.
“It has been my experience that when people do things like de-friend someone, in a lot of circumstances, it is because they are in pain and need help. That hurt people hurt others. And I think I owe it to you to be kind and not perpetuate the cycle of pain by returning it to you.”
PHEW. I needed to hear that one. I have really been struggling in this season of life with being overwhelmed by such a complex mixture of emotions -- sadness, fear, anger, rejection, abandonment, etc -- all as a result of several people "unfriending" me in real life. People who I loved (and still do love) very deeply. It never even occurred to me that I could CHOOSE to view it as them not wanting to perpetuate the cycle of pain. I may never know if that was truly their intention, or if they had malicious or mean intentions in unfriending me, but I can choose to believe the former because it brings me peace. I can choose softness and kindness for myself, rather than that smorgasbord of negative emotions I previously listed. Suffering is a choice, and this helped me remember that. Thank you 💛
Subscribed at the perfect time! I’m currently feeling quite distant towards a friend and I’m meeting with them tomorrow to find out whether this friendship can be saved or not, so thank you for writing this touching piece. I’d love to read this book you have recommended and am interested in a hard copy
it was almost as if you were hiding and watching my life this week. i had the hard decision of unfriending someone who I was really close and I felt so torn and guilty about it. it wasn’t about being mad or nervous around them, just hurt. Idk. thank you for this.
Wow everything you wrote is spot on. I suffer so much from these difficult moments of fighting for a friendship because I love them so deeply but realizing this love hasn’t be matched & is actually harmful to my personal well being. Definitely a lot of introspection needed to take accountability for times when I do harm, even when my intentions have been good but contributed to the distress of the friendship. I’m sad to feel that I have to limit my love for such experiences with boundaries and defriending, and this book sounds like the key to understanding how this pain is part of loving. It’s grief for what could’ve been. Thank you for you vulnerability and empathy to such a complex human situation.
Hard doesn’t begin to describe it…. In friend turmoil where I know a dear friend can’t stand to be around me. Everything I do and say ribs her the wrong way. I’d love to read the book.
i’d like to gift a physical copy of this to my dad once i finish and annotate it. he is not a reader but i know he has been falling deeper into his depression and hopefully with some annotation notes and highlighting, he can read through it all and take some wise words from it
I am just a human being like you, needing some help sometimes, something that holds my heart gently. I would like to see whether this book can do that for me. To then make me able to reach some other heart, which wants to be held gently again.
Going through this exact situation with one of my best friends right now. I’m so lost and confused. Maybe this is a sign of what I need to figure out all this uncertainty that I’m attempting to navigate (improperly, no doubt).
It seems that de-friending is often met with a binary: either the personal or societal conjuring of profound guilt/shame of letting a friend down OR an over-enthused attempt to vilify the friend as justification for ending the relationship.
In my experience, de-friending, and the grief that accompanies it, is often much more complex. Thank you for giving a vocabulary to reality.
thank you for this lovely letter and perspective, very grateful 💜 i would like to offer a little to this complex soup of a topic (as we're holding many things in our hands at once) that sometimes 'the silent treatment' isn't an intentional action, rather an inaction, or re-action from people who are in freeze as a trauma response, or who are non-verbal in situations where they have been hurt, and don't know what to say or how to resolve the situation. they wait for the thaw, to find their voice again, so they can explain why they couldn't speak, which might be a while... after which, the other person is so very angry-hurt, there is little resolution which can repair the harm. there are so many complexities aren't there? 🪐
sending love and ease and care from an ever-learning late-not-late diagnosed neurospicy human who longs for connection, but can become frozen when jabbed too many times when feeling boundaries have been violated. 🙋🏽♀️💜
going through a really difficult time right now (which is how i ended up subscribing to this newsletter, in hopes of finding some comfort), i would love to receive a copy of this book not only to read & better myself, but i also think my siblings & other family members struggling with their mental health would greatly benefit from it too! would love to see what this book is all about! :) <3
I'm here for the book. Mostly, because I was thinking about the same thing recently. It's always a sweet spot to know if de-friending someone is the right way to go about.
“ Personally, most of the time, I am not looking for someone to fix me, I just want someone to sit with me.” I felt that.
Hello, thank you for the newsletter. It really helped me.
Hello, thank you for the newsletter. It really helped me where I am at right now.
“It has been my experience that when people do things like de-friend someone, in a lot of circumstances, it is because they are in pain and need help. That hurt people hurt others. And I think I owe it to you to be kind and not perpetuate the cycle of pain by returning it to you.”
PHEW. I needed to hear that one. I have really been struggling in this season of life with being overwhelmed by such a complex mixture of emotions -- sadness, fear, anger, rejection, abandonment, etc -- all as a result of several people "unfriending" me in real life. People who I loved (and still do love) very deeply. It never even occurred to me that I could CHOOSE to view it as them not wanting to perpetuate the cycle of pain. I may never know if that was truly their intention, or if they had malicious or mean intentions in unfriending me, but I can choose to believe the former because it brings me peace. I can choose softness and kindness for myself, rather than that smorgasbord of negative emotions I previously listed. Suffering is a choice, and this helped me remember that. Thank you 💛
Subscribed at the perfect time! I’m currently feeling quite distant towards a friend and I’m meeting with them tomorrow to find out whether this friendship can be saved or not, so thank you for writing this touching piece. I’d love to read this book you have recommended and am interested in a hard copy
it was almost as if you were hiding and watching my life this week. i had the hard decision of unfriending someone who I was really close and I felt so torn and guilty about it. it wasn’t about being mad or nervous around them, just hurt. Idk. thank you for this.
Wow everything you wrote is spot on. I suffer so much from these difficult moments of fighting for a friendship because I love them so deeply but realizing this love hasn’t be matched & is actually harmful to my personal well being. Definitely a lot of introspection needed to take accountability for times when I do harm, even when my intentions have been good but contributed to the distress of the friendship. I’m sad to feel that I have to limit my love for such experiences with boundaries and defriending, and this book sounds like the key to understanding how this pain is part of loving. It’s grief for what could’ve been. Thank you for you vulnerability and empathy to such a complex human situation.
Hard doesn’t begin to describe it…. In friend turmoil where I know a dear friend can’t stand to be around me. Everything I do and say ribs her the wrong way. I’d love to read the book.
i’d like to gift a physical copy of this to my dad once i finish and annotate it. he is not a reader but i know he has been falling deeper into his depression and hopefully with some annotation notes and highlighting, he can read through it all and take some wise words from it
I am just a human being like you, needing some help sometimes, something that holds my heart gently. I would like to see whether this book can do that for me. To then make me able to reach some other heart, which wants to be held gently again.
Going through this exact situation with one of my best friends right now. I’m so lost and confused. Maybe this is a sign of what I need to figure out all this uncertainty that I’m attempting to navigate (improperly, no doubt).
It seems that de-friending is often met with a binary: either the personal or societal conjuring of profound guilt/shame of letting a friend down OR an over-enthused attempt to vilify the friend as justification for ending the relationship.
In my experience, de-friending, and the grief that accompanies it, is often much more complex. Thank you for giving a vocabulary to reality.
Hoping to win a copy!