How to know if you should de-friend someone?
Defining the threshold when a relationship is no longer worth it.
This week, I am writing about a sensitive spot. I wanted to write about what I was thinking, but also I want to be respectful that some situations are outside of the realm of forgiveness and understanding. I am talking about transgressions that don’t question anyone’s safety. In addition, it should be noted that I am just a person who spends a lot of time thinking about these things, and not a trained professional. If you are experiencing discomfort around relationships, this might be a sign that you need some help processing. Click here for Lori Gotlieb’s really amazing book, “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” which is a good starting point.
When is ok to de-friend someone? I don’t know about you, but I have had a lot of defriending going on in my life. None yet to me, but I am sure I have been defriended by people - people who just didn’t tell me that they were doing that. Just slowly fading out of my life is a form of friendship loss when I think about it. And that’s okay. Friendships take work, and it is hard to know when someone is so important that you make the effort to keep them around. Today, I want to give thought to the idea that it’s okay to let things go and it’s also okay to put up a fight - relationships are hard and we all play an equally important role in them.
Over the weekend, I got a text from a good friend telling me that they had de-friended two of their closest friends. Blocked them actually. I told josh this and he said it was so middle school - something that josh says when he is not intending on sounding dismissive, but actually is being dismissive.
But I don’t think we should be dismissive of a statement as an act of separation. If I have learned anything about myself during this pandemic is that people seem to push people away when they need them most. I feel like these unkind behaviors would fall under the maladaptive trait category. An example would be the silent treatment. Have you ever given this to someone as a form of punishment when you are feeling hurt?
I do it. I know it is fucked up - but I am learning to be better. Trying to take accountability for my role in every situation. The concept is that everyone has a part that they are playing - and the responsibility to critically look at their behavior and complicity in each situation. To separate the person from the action. And the pain you feel from the person who “caused” it.
Have you de-friended someone since the pandemic started? Was it all their fault? Maybe it was. Bad things do happen. You don’t deserve unkindness. I don’t know the situation, but the theory that is helping me come to terms with the complexity of human relationships is that most interactions are this tango where we share blame and innocence.
It is hard. Hard to take a look at parts of your default actions when you are hurt and think about how you could have also hurt others. To separate the person from the action - both you and your actions and others and their actions. This practice has helped me break the cycles of pain.
Are you someone who feels like people get what they deserve? I am not. I am a person who is actively trying to break cycles of pain - however, I am also a person who does it. I respond to someone being “rude” to me with rudeness. I match the tone of others without my conscious consent.
It has been my experience that when people do things like de-friend someone, in a lot of circumstances, it is because they are in pain and need help. That hurt people hurt others. And I think I owe it to you to be kind and not perpetuate the cycle of pain by returning it to you.
As always, this is my favorite thing to do, process complex emotions and redefine what it means to be alive right now. Thanks for reading and if something resonated with you, I would be honored if you shared it with a friend.
Love Forever, and a few moments after that, Carissa
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I've ended friendships with four long-term, close friends since the US election. Their votes told me we don't value the same fundamental things. I still grieve them, I still feel furious with them and want to make them feel that anger, but I don't reach out because it's kinder to both of us to just try to let it go.
I am here for this. Especially your illustration of your thought bubbles. I’m constantly swimming in those exact words in your thought bubble illustration. I get it. I am always the one “disappointing” people. It’s all my silent auto immune stuff. I may look okay kind of on the outside but it’s a mismatch of how my body hurts 24/7. I let nearly everyone in my life leave me after they were done yelling at me for canceling plans or that I’m “ not feeling good”. I have no energy to argue and I get where they are coming from. It’s lonely being silently sick and being de friended over and over and for me to have to do the same. I’m just trying to find peace. And peace to me may be Lonely and quiet but it’s what my body needs. Trauma work. I think the de friending thing really is all about the trauma. Sending big love to you for raising up this important discussion.