I am not brave. But you are.
Still here, working through things.
Hi. It’s me. Carissa again. We are still working out some medical issues here in my house. But I have been thinking about Bad At Keeping Secrets. Why is it that when things happen, and you have to cut back on things, what goes first are the things that you find joy in?
I don’t know if people say this to you, but I keep getting it. What does it feel like to be brave? I sure as hell don’t know and I don’t feel brave. Do you?
I have been reading Maggie Nelson’s The Argonauts. It is dense. In it she talks about feeling real in a way that has a certain kinship to me with the feeling of bravery. She describes feeling real with the understanding from D.W. Winnicott’s overview:
But I did want to say hi to you. And share some delight that I had. For the next two months, I will have work up at Eleanor Harwood Gallery in San Francisco. It’s called LOOSE ENDS.
The show itself is about nothing and everything. It is oddly anti-conceptual. It is about downsizing. About coming to terms with the way that life is changing and how limited our control is…
To come full circle, this is M and I at the opening night. At least a few people came up to tell me how healthy they thought M looked. I love hearing this. She goes in and out of showing externally what is going on inside her. Apparently, people with Cystic Fibrosis get this a lot. “You are sick? You look so healthy…” M does look healthy right now. I am grateful for her every day and healthcare.
We all have so much going on inside of us. I remind myself daily. So many things unseen and seen and I for one want to just explore what is going on together. This process of exploration, for me, is connection. And feeling connected is perhaps my reason to keep going.
Thanks for being here. Sending love. XO, Carissa
PS If you want to see the show, or get something, email: eleanor@eleanorharwood.com
PPS I don’t have a proofreader so please give me grace if you can on grammar etc on this email.
PPS If you are going through something and you want me to send you kind thoughts, just comment here and I will think about you. I promise.
I feel like the brave comment is related to "I don't know how you do it" or "I could never do what you do"... yes, you could. If you had to. Which is why I'm doing it. I have no choice. We should not have to be "brave". It makes me feel othered, like I'm separated by my loved ones by glass. Instead of calling me brave, can you break through this glass and help me?
Thank you so much, Carissa. I am thinking of you too, and sending you love and strength. I have 4 images saved on my desktop of things that you posted, named carissa1, carissa2, carissa3, and carissa4, and they've been there for years, as sources of strength for me. They came at exactly the time that I needed them, and have lived there since, and are a part of me now.