"As I commit to keeping going, I am saying that I don’t know how my future self will feel, and I owe it to that person to wait and see."
This was really powerful for me to hear right now. Currently in the throes of extreme anxiety and depression. Trying to remind myself that what is now will not always be.
Reading through this reminds me of back in 2019-ish when you let me sleep on your couch for a few days. That was one of the worst years of my life when I was struggling to find any bit of happiness and I was scared of everything, but I was very good at hiding how I was feeling from others. But you and I had some small conversations over the course of those couple of days that actively changed how I try to think – you showed me that it's okay to actively want to seek connection and ask questions and share experiences. You made me feel less alone. It might be selfish of me to say, but thank you for staying alive and for continuing to share yourself with me (and others, but it all feels like it's just for me sometimes).
I’m shattered when I read you have been thinking about ending your life. I don’t know this feeling. I can’t empathize with you but I can feel your heart. I can’t relate but I can, do you know what I mean? I don’t believe in god. I don’t believe the world is random either. That’s a conundrum. I think everything happens for a reason but I don’t know who designed that or why. I don’t want you to go away. Although it’s not for me to say what you should do, I just know your presence in the world has enhanced my life. And how random is that? A woman walks into a bookstore in Oakland and picks up a book written by a woman in Baltimore. She emails me. I’m on her podcast. My book sales soar. My Substack gets hundreds of new followers. And the women become friends and supporters and we have never met. How fucking random is that? And I feel so warmly towards you. Your kind, generous being. I’d fly to Oakland to have coffee with you if you asked. Xoxo
Thanks for being open about the struggle to stay “in it.”
I think we need to be able to open up about despair and people are afraid to, although it is universal. Im in an ok place today but when I’m not, I feel like people have a hard time letting me express that. Your writing matters, it keeps it real. Thank you
What keeps me going is knowing that I am loved, even if at times circumstances cloud my vision from seeing it and my system from experiencing it in all its fullness. What keeps me going is the flicker of a desire to create anew, like you do, to remind myself I am alive. And that perhaps in the next day, hour or moment, things might shift and reveal something new and wondrous, and I want to be there for it.
Thanks for digging deep and keeping going, sharing your struggle and reminding us that none of us are alone. You matter, and you are a gift to this world.
During the pandemic I had a moment when I walked to the window to open the blinds in our teeny apartment that we'd been trapped in for months and said out loud with despair, "I feel like I JUST did this." The days bled into one another, one long monotonous blur. I closed the blinds at night. I opened the blinds in the morning. A worldwide pandemic raged outside. The world spun on. Funnily enough, I've been having this same feeling this week and admitted to my husband last night, "Remember the blinds? I kinda feel like that again." The thought of having to brush my teeth again, of having to come up with what we're going to eat for dinner again, is exhausting. But there are little differences that make my days sweet and I try to focus on those. Maybe today I'll call a friend and talk for an hour about nothing. Maybe my cat will do an extra cute yawn stretch. Maybe there will be a beautiful sunset. And I try to let that be enough. I really enjoyed this post, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing, it's doing this community a whole lot of good.
Cultivate friends who want to hug you. Josh can’t do it all for you but 6 close friends could - and can you get to the ocean or walk along a stream? Healing!
As one of those who don't find comfort in the unknowable, I often find comfort in the simple mantra to Keep Going. I walked the Camino de Santiago in 2023 and "keep going" is a recurring theme that carries over past that immediate experience. In those simple words exist a deep truth: everyone has moments in which they would rather stop or turn back but life a journey. Life is an ever changing destination and the path changes, too. So keep going.
Hi Carissa. I want you to know that you foster so much connection. Your art palpably reaches across the chasms between us and builds a bridge. I feel very connected to your work, because I think we approach our artistic practices similarly, we both have kids with very needs-intensive disabilities, we have had similar struggles and attempts to process that publicly through creative practice. If that's presumptuous, I'll take the risk.
What keeps me going and has kept me going in times of wanting to give up is grounding myself in my practice of Radical Acceptance. For me, radical acceptance means that *in this exact moment*, everything that is happening IS happening. And all the things -- all the feelings that creates, the reverberations, the nervous system reactions -- those things are happening too. I know that sounds simplistic but when I have been in a place where I had no hope for the future, no hope for things changing, felt so completely burned out and isolated, a lot of my despair was about imagining the future where my current circumstances were still happening. But if I asked myself, "can I make it through this moment?" I could find the resources. It made it less overwhelming. I don't have to accept that it will ALWAYS be this way. I just have to accept that right now, it IS.
I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but I am always here to connect anytime.
"As I commit to keeping going, I am saying that I don’t know how my future self will feel, and I owe it to that person to wait and see."
This was really powerful for me to hear right now. Currently in the throes of extreme anxiety and depression. Trying to remind myself that what is now will not always be.
Reading through this reminds me of back in 2019-ish when you let me sleep on your couch for a few days. That was one of the worst years of my life when I was struggling to find any bit of happiness and I was scared of everything, but I was very good at hiding how I was feeling from others. But you and I had some small conversations over the course of those couple of days that actively changed how I try to think – you showed me that it's okay to actively want to seek connection and ask questions and share experiences. You made me feel less alone. It might be selfish of me to say, but thank you for staying alive and for continuing to share yourself with me (and others, but it all feels like it's just for me sometimes).
Thank you for sharing this. Your willingness to be open and honest are true gifts to the world. We need them.
I’m shattered when I read you have been thinking about ending your life. I don’t know this feeling. I can’t empathize with you but I can feel your heart. I can’t relate but I can, do you know what I mean? I don’t believe in god. I don’t believe the world is random either. That’s a conundrum. I think everything happens for a reason but I don’t know who designed that or why. I don’t want you to go away. Although it’s not for me to say what you should do, I just know your presence in the world has enhanced my life. And how random is that? A woman walks into a bookstore in Oakland and picks up a book written by a woman in Baltimore. She emails me. I’m on her podcast. My book sales soar. My Substack gets hundreds of new followers. And the women become friends and supporters and we have never met. How fucking random is that? And I feel so warmly towards you. Your kind, generous being. I’d fly to Oakland to have coffee with you if you asked. Xoxo
This is so relatable. I actually use your piece “to keep going is an act of love…” to keep myself going on an almost daily basis.
Thanks for being open about the struggle to stay “in it.”
I think we need to be able to open up about despair and people are afraid to, although it is universal. Im in an ok place today but when I’m not, I feel like people have a hard time letting me express that. Your writing matters, it keeps it real. Thank you
very relatable, but then again, that’s most sentiments you post ❤️🫶🏼
♥️♥️♥️
What keeps me going is knowing that I am loved, even if at times circumstances cloud my vision from seeing it and my system from experiencing it in all its fullness. What keeps me going is the flicker of a desire to create anew, like you do, to remind myself I am alive. And that perhaps in the next day, hour or moment, things might shift and reveal something new and wondrous, and I want to be there for it.
Thanks for digging deep and keeping going, sharing your struggle and reminding us that none of us are alone. You matter, and you are a gift to this world.
During the pandemic I had a moment when I walked to the window to open the blinds in our teeny apartment that we'd been trapped in for months and said out loud with despair, "I feel like I JUST did this." The days bled into one another, one long monotonous blur. I closed the blinds at night. I opened the blinds in the morning. A worldwide pandemic raged outside. The world spun on. Funnily enough, I've been having this same feeling this week and admitted to my husband last night, "Remember the blinds? I kinda feel like that again." The thought of having to brush my teeth again, of having to come up with what we're going to eat for dinner again, is exhausting. But there are little differences that make my days sweet and I try to focus on those. Maybe today I'll call a friend and talk for an hour about nothing. Maybe my cat will do an extra cute yawn stretch. Maybe there will be a beautiful sunset. And I try to let that be enough. I really enjoyed this post, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing, it's doing this community a whole lot of good.
Cultivate friends who want to hug you. Josh can’t do it all for you but 6 close friends could - and can you get to the ocean or walk along a stream? Healing!
As one of those who don't find comfort in the unknowable, I often find comfort in the simple mantra to Keep Going. I walked the Camino de Santiago in 2023 and "keep going" is a recurring theme that carries over past that immediate experience. In those simple words exist a deep truth: everyone has moments in which they would rather stop or turn back but life a journey. Life is an ever changing destination and the path changes, too. So keep going.
thank you <3
Hi Carissa. I want you to know that you foster so much connection. Your art palpably reaches across the chasms between us and builds a bridge. I feel very connected to your work, because I think we approach our artistic practices similarly, we both have kids with very needs-intensive disabilities, we have had similar struggles and attempts to process that publicly through creative practice. If that's presumptuous, I'll take the risk.
What keeps me going and has kept me going in times of wanting to give up is grounding myself in my practice of Radical Acceptance. For me, radical acceptance means that *in this exact moment*, everything that is happening IS happening. And all the things -- all the feelings that creates, the reverberations, the nervous system reactions -- those things are happening too. I know that sounds simplistic but when I have been in a place where I had no hope for the future, no hope for things changing, felt so completely burned out and isolated, a lot of my despair was about imagining the future where my current circumstances were still happening. But if I asked myself, "can I make it through this moment?" I could find the resources. It made it less overwhelming. I don't have to accept that it will ALWAYS be this way. I just have to accept that right now, it IS.
I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but I am always here to connect anytime.
Lots of love to you.
In fact, a life affirming post. 🙏💕
Big same!! I am generally not managing my own shit well, so it is a lot! Would absolutely love to see you all, too ♥️