Sometimes I like to think about the theory that time is non-linear, and that everything is happening at the same time. And then I never have to miss an old version of myself because we’re all here together and every moment is happening still—me now, and me ten years ago, and even me 30 years from now with all gray hair.
What is this called? I think it is comforting. Or that we live in a multiverse. Do something fun today. Or imagine yourself doing something fun in another dimension.
Non-linear time, or closed timelike curves are interesting. Lots of physic stuff I don’t understand, but I love time travel and multiverse fiction and media. Do I believe that stuff for real? Not sure, but it’s really fun to think about!
In some regards, I miss the old me. I had tonnes of energy and made time for everyone.
Then, I burnt out.
Now, I'm like a sad little plant on a windowsill, seeing how the other plants are blooming outside.
I don't miss the old me because I didn't know what I wanted or needed. I lived life according what others told me was good.
Hardship has made me weaker in many ways, especially physically, but so much stronger as a personal with her own mind. Hardship has showed me I am allowed to live for me.
I think the best you are percolating and forming in ways you may not yet realize. Be patient with yourself and surround yourself with supportive, solid people.
I am still haunted by my before-pandemic, carefree, old self and certainly became a running, sullen, jaded and very tired myself. But still I don't feel like becoming weak. And even though I have no idea about the old you, I don't think you are becoming weak too. Whenever I read your pieces, I see a person struggling, reflecting, understanding, and becoming stronger.
You are right, it is like a haunting - this old person who did feel carefree. I mean I am not saying that we didn't have cares - but something did change for everyone right?
I miss being a person who believed in lasting love and friendship. I feel so bitter and guarded. I miss that person but I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. Maybe the strength we felt before was just the folly of youth.
I think it’s also a youthful desire to be marching forward to betterness. We realize someday that good is subjective and one can never truly be good enough for everyone. I wanted the people in my life to be pushing toward better, i tried to push them toward better, and it was a damaging thing.
I’m sorry things are hard right now. I feel as though I am barely hanging on. But I still have more faith in myself than I ever did. I have learned coping methods for the things I struggle with, I am reaching out for resources to advocate for accommodations at my office. I can see that for me a downward spiral can be turned around with small steps. Getting back on track with sleep. Engaging with friends, the outdoors and hobbies. I’ve learned that I have down periods, that they’re harder than for a person without a history of depression and chronic pain. But I also no longer see them as inevitable spirals, rip tides i am caught in but cannot escape. I swim parallel to the shore.
I am holding the two: feeling like you are barely hanging on and are stronger than ever. These are both so true. Because we are surviving, whatever that means, proof is that we are both here, on this weird platform talking about things. Parallel swimmers we are.
Thank you for this. There is such judgment (intentional or not) in this notion of being a "pick yourself up by the bootstraps kind of person" -- and it can be (in my experience living that way for a time) toxic to swallow that pain and smile at the world. Inauthenticity can make your own strongest poison. And then too I get to places where I have to compartmentalize. I have faced and lived in my pain and mourned. And I make some decision to start a pull out for myself not anyone else. Sending you my warm support.
I do think there is judgment laden in the idea of being able to pick yourself up when there are so many things pulling us down. I def feel the shame in asking for help. However, I do know people that that idea of being able to pick yourself up on our own is really helpful for. LIke somehow it works. For me it just makes me feel weak.
What a beautiful message. While I love my old pre-pandemic self, pre-2016 self, there's a lot about her that timid, waiting. She thought life was endless, there was so much time in the world. If the pandemic did anything for me it reminded me that THIS IS ALL TEMPORARY. It reminded me the importance of people in my life and that this is as young and as healthy as I'll every be. So in that respect, I live more now. I am less fearful because I know it's all ending, that things can change in a heartbeat.
I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now (and I also feel that is going around! --I have several text threads from friends going through really hard things with the phrase "What is happening?!!!") So may we all hold on the best we can and hold on to each other. Thank you for writing through it all. It matters. xo ~ kel
WHAT IS HAPPENING!??!! I really think it is happening to all of us to some degree, but whatever that degree is, we are feeling it. I think about being as young and as healthy as I will ever be right now, I am trying to be grateful for it as cheesy as it sounds.
interestingly enough i just got off a zoom call with friends saying i needed to step back and reflect and immediately afterwords ran across this article which encompasses much of what was attempting to say,feel,and express!
Do you think they are just reflecting what they are longing for in themselves? OR WTF. Are people just nostalgic for a time when they were more of a focus in your life?
very good question! being a supporter of people's park in berkeley and a longtime supporter of palestinian resistance as well as a vietnam veteran both conflicts trigger my ptsd.
This post has moved me more deeply and helped me more than any other (and they all have to some extent). So I wonder if what you say is true. Wish you love and strength as you take time to support M.
OK, I am going to start leaning into nostalgia for a guide in showing me what I long to feel. I want to feel carefree, light, and open for anything. I don't know if I want to go back in time, but i also am not sure I like the new me as much as what I remember about the old one. Perhaps this thinking is the same as when people miss, "the good old days" that never really existed outside of our rose-colored memory glasses.
Oh Carissa. I feel like you have crawled right into my head and heart. Every word you penned pierced me. I feel ALL of this, deeply truly as if everything you have just shared came from my lips and very very very tired heart. I too think I might have left my best me behind. That I crumble with each pummel and struggle and hardship. I am dog tired tbh and it is so damn refreshing to know I am not alone in this. I want to tell you that your words are DEEPLY inspiring, DEEPLY affirming; and those like myself feel very seen and very held. THANK YOU for all of this. For sharing your aching heart. For showing up here. I have not read something so incredibly potent in a long time. Sending you oceans of love from here in Canada. XOXO
Oh wow. This is so kind. But also heartbreaking. LIke what if we all have left our best selves somewhere else? It could be real. I think there is something about youth that believes strongly in right and wrong - black and white, good and bad, and now everything just feels grey. Like it just matters with context. I guess we could all choose that in this context we are doing what is right. And feel good about it, and practice that. This really was sweet of you to say. I am going to venture that you and I both are words of affirmation people. This comment made me feel worthy.
I am weeping. Not in sadness, but in seen-ness. I read this quote yesterday and it has echoed deep inside me ever since, I think you might love it (or perhaps you already know of it):
"One of the mottos I like to live by is 'never admire quietly.' If I admire something about somebody I think it's important to tell them. We humans are so fragile and it's important to give people their flowers while they're here.” ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Carissa, it was VERY brave to share as you did. And I know because of that many of us will feel a sense of shared buoyancy. I hope the comments that come back to you make you feel seen, understood and of vast worth because you are, you are, you are. XO
Oh that’s so sweet. I loved seeing your name pop up today. I’ve missed you and your words. I must say there is something about the healthcare lady I don’t love. In Ayurveda we’d say she’s very Pitta dosha! Lots of fire. Can get in the way of deeper emotions and empathy.
Sometimes I like to think about the theory that time is non-linear, and that everything is happening at the same time. And then I never have to miss an old version of myself because we’re all here together and every moment is happening still—me now, and me ten years ago, and even me 30 years from now with all gray hair.
May peace be with you <3
What is this called? I think it is comforting. Or that we live in a multiverse. Do something fun today. Or imagine yourself doing something fun in another dimension.
Non-linear time, or closed timelike curves are interesting. Lots of physic stuff I don’t understand, but I love time travel and multiverse fiction and media. Do I believe that stuff for real? Not sure, but it’s really fun to think about!
I like this a lot!!
In some regards, I miss the old me. I had tonnes of energy and made time for everyone.
Then, I burnt out.
Now, I'm like a sad little plant on a windowsill, seeing how the other plants are blooming outside.
I don't miss the old me because I didn't know what I wanted or needed. I lived life according what others told me was good.
Hardship has made me weaker in many ways, especially physically, but so much stronger as a personal with her own mind. Hardship has showed me I am allowed to live for me.
I feel like the plant on the windowsill. Are you an enneagram 4? This was very beautifully put.
Thanks! I hadn’t heard of it, so I did a test (took about 20 minutes), filled out my email and never got the result :D So, I have no idea.
I think the best you are percolating and forming in ways you may not yet realize. Be patient with yourself and surround yourself with supportive, solid people.
Very solid advice. I will follow.
Or I hope this is how things work.
There will be bumps and distractions, but stay the course.
I am still haunted by my before-pandemic, carefree, old self and certainly became a running, sullen, jaded and very tired myself. But still I don't feel like becoming weak. And even though I have no idea about the old you, I don't think you are becoming weak too. Whenever I read your pieces, I see a person struggling, reflecting, understanding, and becoming stronger.
You are right, it is like a haunting - this old person who did feel carefree. I mean I am not saying that we didn't have cares - but something did change for everyone right?
I miss being a person who believed in lasting love and friendship. I feel so bitter and guarded. I miss that person but I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. Maybe the strength we felt before was just the folly of youth.
I think it’s also a youthful desire to be marching forward to betterness. We realize someday that good is subjective and one can never truly be good enough for everyone. I wanted the people in my life to be pushing toward better, i tried to push them toward better, and it was a damaging thing.
I’m sorry things are hard right now. I feel as though I am barely hanging on. But I still have more faith in myself than I ever did. I have learned coping methods for the things I struggle with, I am reaching out for resources to advocate for accommodations at my office. I can see that for me a downward spiral can be turned around with small steps. Getting back on track with sleep. Engaging with friends, the outdoors and hobbies. I’ve learned that I have down periods, that they’re harder than for a person without a history of depression and chronic pain. But I also no longer see them as inevitable spirals, rip tides i am caught in but cannot escape. I swim parallel to the shore.
I am holding the two: feeling like you are barely hanging on and are stronger than ever. These are both so true. Because we are surviving, whatever that means, proof is that we are both here, on this weird platform talking about things. Parallel swimmers we are.
Wow, this was just what I was wallowing in when the notification came up!
It was just the message I needed in this moment, thank you ❣️
Maybe it is in the air? What do you miss about your old self?
ALSO wallowing is one of my best attributes. If you can call it that.
The wonder and awe of the world, and a sense of hope and ability to make much of a change.
I am scared a lot of people have lost hope. And agency. I know I have.
same same same
Thank you for this. There is such judgment (intentional or not) in this notion of being a "pick yourself up by the bootstraps kind of person" -- and it can be (in my experience living that way for a time) toxic to swallow that pain and smile at the world. Inauthenticity can make your own strongest poison. And then too I get to places where I have to compartmentalize. I have faced and lived in my pain and mourned. And I make some decision to start a pull out for myself not anyone else. Sending you my warm support.
I do think there is judgment laden in the idea of being able to pick yourself up when there are so many things pulling us down. I def feel the shame in asking for help. However, I do know people that that idea of being able to pick yourself up on our own is really helpful for. LIke somehow it works. For me it just makes me feel weak.
What a beautiful message. While I love my old pre-pandemic self, pre-2016 self, there's a lot about her that timid, waiting. She thought life was endless, there was so much time in the world. If the pandemic did anything for me it reminded me that THIS IS ALL TEMPORARY. It reminded me the importance of people in my life and that this is as young and as healthy as I'll every be. So in that respect, I live more now. I am less fearful because I know it's all ending, that things can change in a heartbeat.
I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now (and I also feel that is going around! --I have several text threads from friends going through really hard things with the phrase "What is happening?!!!") So may we all hold on the best we can and hold on to each other. Thank you for writing through it all. It matters. xo ~ kel
WHAT IS HAPPENING!??!! I really think it is happening to all of us to some degree, but whatever that degree is, we are feeling it. I think about being as young and as healthy as I will ever be right now, I am trying to be grateful for it as cheesy as it sounds.
interestingly enough i just got off a zoom call with friends saying i needed to step back and reflect and immediately afterwords ran across this article which encompasses much of what was attempting to say,feel,and express!
Do you think they are just reflecting what they are longing for in themselves? OR WTF. Are people just nostalgic for a time when they were more of a focus in your life?
very good question! being a supporter of people's park in berkeley and a longtime supporter of palestinian resistance as well as a vietnam veteran both conflicts trigger my ptsd.
Absolutely yes x
As someone who often thinks about the person I used to be before, this piece really moved me. Sending you much 💕.
I just emailed you back. Exp after having a kid. I want to be comfortable with the fact that people change.
Been thinking of you. So relate to this❤️
This post has moved me more deeply and helped me more than any other (and they all have to some extent). So I wonder if what you say is true. Wish you love and strength as you take time to support M.
Thanks for the kind words. What is truth?
Everything you have to say is worth saying
And of course you're not alone in wanting the old you back.
Life is not linear. Sometimes we're on the up, other times we're deep in the mud.
It reminds me of Sara Bareilles song "She used to be mine".
There are many past versions of me I'd love to have back. Then again, there are many I'm happy I left behind.
When I feel nostalgic I always look deeper into the reasons for wanting an old self back. And then see how I can add bits of it into me now.
Oh and therapy 😂
You've got this. Life can only be lived forward and understood backwards.
Onwards!
OK, I am going to start leaning into nostalgia for a guide in showing me what I long to feel. I want to feel carefree, light, and open for anything. I don't know if I want to go back in time, but i also am not sure I like the new me as much as what I remember about the old one. Perhaps this thinking is the same as when people miss, "the good old days" that never really existed outside of our rose-colored memory glasses.
Oh Carissa. I feel like you have crawled right into my head and heart. Every word you penned pierced me. I feel ALL of this, deeply truly as if everything you have just shared came from my lips and very very very tired heart. I too think I might have left my best me behind. That I crumble with each pummel and struggle and hardship. I am dog tired tbh and it is so damn refreshing to know I am not alone in this. I want to tell you that your words are DEEPLY inspiring, DEEPLY affirming; and those like myself feel very seen and very held. THANK YOU for all of this. For sharing your aching heart. For showing up here. I have not read something so incredibly potent in a long time. Sending you oceans of love from here in Canada. XOXO
Oh wow. This is so kind. But also heartbreaking. LIke what if we all have left our best selves somewhere else? It could be real. I think there is something about youth that believes strongly in right and wrong - black and white, good and bad, and now everything just feels grey. Like it just matters with context. I guess we could all choose that in this context we are doing what is right. And feel good about it, and practice that. This really was sweet of you to say. I am going to venture that you and I both are words of affirmation people. This comment made me feel worthy.
I am weeping. Not in sadness, but in seen-ness. I read this quote yesterday and it has echoed deep inside me ever since, I think you might love it (or perhaps you already know of it):
"One of the mottos I like to live by is 'never admire quietly.' If I admire something about somebody I think it's important to tell them. We humans are so fragile and it's important to give people their flowers while they're here.” ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Carissa, it was VERY brave to share as you did. And I know because of that many of us will feel a sense of shared buoyancy. I hope the comments that come back to you make you feel seen, understood and of vast worth because you are, you are, you are. XO
My best to you and M.
Thanks Susan. I think about you often. I have both your books on my shelf that I see everyday during treatments :)
Oh that’s so sweet. I loved seeing your name pop up today. I’ve missed you and your words. I must say there is something about the healthcare lady I don’t love. In Ayurveda we’d say she’s very Pitta dosha! Lots of fire. Can get in the way of deeper emotions and empathy.