Have you ever felt unconditionally loved? I guess I should start by defining what I mean when I say, Unconditional Love.
I grew up with the understanding that this term meant that no matter what I did, or who I was, I was loved by my parents. Both of them made my sister and me aware of this fact by telling us and by showing up for us. Of course, they still got mad at our actions and praised us when we met their expectations, however, the underlying understanding was that we were loved for who we were and not what we did. This form of love, parental, I feel like is the best illustration of the type of love I am talking about.
Today, I am revisiting my conversation with Alfie Kohn on intrinsic motivation. Alfie is an author and lecturer, and he writes and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting. He has been described in Time magazine as “perhaps the country’s most outspoken critic of education’s fixation on grades [and] test scores.”
I don’t know about you, but I was raised on positive feedback. And I feel really grateful for it. I do things so that I will get praise. I have no way to evaluate if something is good or bad beyond what other people tell me it is. This was the trend when I was young - we got gold stars for sharing, we got graded on a curve for us to evaluate ourselves within our peers, and prizes were held in condition for good behavior.
Alfie Kohn argues that these things are not good for fostering intrinsic motivation. They only offer temporary compliance and overtime doesn’t create the things we really value - like care, compassion, and genuine interest.
If you are interested in why you feel that feeling of meaninglessness when you don’t have external benchmarks to compare yourself to, Mr. Kohn’s research will break down why that might be. In addition, he offers suggestions on how to create your own path - in your workplace, with your children, and with yourself.
If you want to find out more, he has dozens of free articles on his website. A personal favorite of mine is Can Everyone Be Excellent?
Is all love unconditional?