First off, I will say that I am lucky. I am a housed person, who has the flexibility to move. But how do you know when you should? When is the violence in your neighborhood too much? Again, I understand how lucky I am to be asking these questions when there are so many global crises going on. But maybe you are going through this, too? Perhaps with your job, or relationship? Let’s relate to each other. Assume we are coming from a good place.
We have lived in Oakland, California for the past 11 years. I love our house. I love our neighbors. It’s not perfect. But it is beautiful. My brain has done this thing where it has somehow taken this house that I never thought I would have loved and fallen deeply in love with it. The endowment effect refers to an emotional bias that causes individuals to value an owned object higher, often irrationally, than its market value. I am delusional about how much I love this house.
Oakland was always dangerous. It is the 3rd or 5th most dangerous city in the USA depending on where you look. There are lots of theories on why and how it got to be this way. I am not going to go into it. When we first moved in, there was a police shootout in the house across the street. We were sleeping on the floor still and watched through the front window in horror. There have been several, too many to count times since then, times we found bullets in the front of our house, a time we were gardening in the front when a group fight broke out on the other side of the block, gunshots happen weekly – nightly.
Last night at 6:40:07pm, I was walking out of the house with my mother-in-law’s folded laundry in my arms when a car drove by shooting. I didn’t know it at the time. It was just loud and disarming.
I froze. There. In the doorway. M was being tube-fed in the kitchen. They told her it was just some loud raccoons. I am not sure if this is the correct thing to do, but she could sense my fear. I called my pregnant neighbor from across the street. She said she jumped on the ground when it happened. She was alone in the house. “I should have done that,” I told myself. I need to learn how to duck and cover.
Approximately 4 minutes later the police and helicopters showed up. They found rounds of casing outside of our house. We are safe. Everyone I know is safe. I went to bed thinking that that is not a given. I have been feeling that way for years now. I don’t linger in the car, I make sure I am always looking out, and I am tense when I am outside our house.
So here is my question, should we stay in this house we love and brave the storm? Or should we go, since we can? You may think that this is shameful of me to even ask, but it is what I am honestly thinking about. I believe it is human to want a safe space to raise your child. And it keeps on coming closer and closer, we have been so lucky, but it is only a matter of time before we are no longer in that position.
Yesterday, a book showed up at my house, by Maggie Smith. It was intended for Margaret. But it was really for me. It is a story about what to do with anxiety. How to shift it and the way thoughts work.
We read it 4 times in a row. The first place the main character chooses to visit in her state of fear is the beach. THAT IS WHERE I WENT. I spent some time there, holding my daughter, safely under the covers, with the hot sun kissing our skin in my mind.
Thanks for any advice you can give. I will take it. ALSO, if you want to ask me, I will try to be as open and honest as my brain will let me.
May you be safe and cared for, xo, Carissa
Yes, move. We lived in a neighborhood for years that was always dealing with this, including the house right across from us that was the most active. Gunshots, blatant physical violence, and even a car was set on fire (real fun waking up to THAT lol). We lived there for 6 years. Now that we've moved, we still don't live in any sort of pristinely safe neighborhood, but it's significant to finally feel safer, especially with a little. It's easy to get accustomed to the gunshots and anxiety, but once you step away from it you realize how very lucky you were, honestly. Your home may not be targeted but stray bullets are a serious thing to consider. Good luck, and I'm sorry that this is something you're having to deal with!
The fact that you feel tense outside your home seems like good enough reason to me.
As far as the love of your house, HARD RELATE. I say this next part with love: if one of you were to be killed or permanently injured, I think your love of your home would suddenly feel very trivial compared to the pain you'd be facing.