Yes, move. We lived in a neighborhood for years that was always dealing with this, including the house right across from us that was the most active. Gunshots, blatant physical violence, and even a car was set on fire (real fun waking up to THAT lol). We lived there for 6 years. Now that we've moved, we still don't live in any sort of pristinely safe neighborhood, but it's significant to finally feel safer, especially with a little. It's easy to get accustomed to the gunshots and anxiety, but once you step away from it you realize how very lucky you were, honestly. Your home may not be targeted but stray bullets are a serious thing to consider. Good luck, and I'm sorry that this is something you're having to deal with!
The fact that you feel tense outside your home seems like good enough reason to me.
As far as the love of your house, HARD RELATE. I say this next part with love: if one of you were to be killed or permanently injured, I think your love of your home would suddenly feel very trivial compared to the pain you'd be facing.
How scary!! Absolutely move! You have the right to feel safe in your own home and clearly this is not the case. It's amazing what we allow ourselves to put up with, but as soon as things change, we see just how dysfunctional everything was before. Sending you strength and support as you plan your next steps.!
If I were in your situation, i would move. The safety and well being of you and your family is most important. Moving sucks but necessary in this type of situation. I suggest you consider what the attachment to a house means, especially in relation to the other problems. It really stinks to have to let go of a house you really like but maybe the attachment is about something other than the house. It may be more about what it represents to you (i.e., success vs. failure, ideals, security). If it is about representation, you will carry any of that with you to another house. It's what you put into it vs. the object itself. Consider all of that when making the decision. Adulting is sure tough huh? Good luck!
We left. It felt icky and like white flight and shameful, but we left. There was more violence, more needles on the sidewalk when we took my kids to scoote, more cat calls on the street. I didn't feel safe after dark. But we didn't leave for me; we left for my kids. They were 6 and 3 at the time. They didn't understand with their minds what was going on, but they knew with their bodies. They wouldn't sleep in their own beds, or go into another room without a grown-up right there. They cried for no reason and were sick all the time. I recently found a school picture of my daughter from that time. She was smiling, but she was pale as a ghost with big purple circles under her eyes. At six. It made me sick with guilt to look out. Our rent doubled when we moved. Money was horrifically tight, and I worried about making ends meet. But my kids laughed more, played outside without fear, and slept in their own beds. It was the right move. I have incredible privilege to say that, and to do what we did. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. I couldn't have my kids in such a toxic state of stress all the timeThe body keeps the score, always.
I'm a native Memphian, and relate to this HARD. I've been gone for a while, but thinking about going back. I don't have any interest in living in a rural environment, and bad things can happen to anyone at any time. These problems are so systemic, and it's so hard to not feel helpless. As cliche as it sounds, I think you'll know when you know.
I have many thoughts on this. But as a new dad, my short answer is to exercise your privilege and move. At 6:40
PM, and I say this with full love, if a bullet caught you instead of your door frame -- your post would have read It’s Time to Move. Frankly, speaking because of 6:40 PM there could have been no post, because there would be no Carissa. Take it from someone who lived in neighborhoods like this - Yes, it’s time to move.
It makes me so sad that you had to put all these little **** next to everything you’re feeling. No, everyone is not safe. But we do all deserve to be safe, even (lucky, grateful) you. Treat yourself like you are your own loved one, and give yourself permission to leave.
Ask yourself why you are living where you live. I am of the firm opinion that any move should be made by moving toward something rather than fearfully moving away. Where would you go? How would the new area benefit your life or that of your family? What would you give up? Only when you can rationally list the pros and cons and weight them can you make good decisions. There are many good houses, good neighbors are sometimes harder to come by.
I have to ask , why did you move to Oakland in the first place ? Please reassess why you moved there and besides loving the house what socio-economic reasons did you move there for - bad grammar I know . At a young age we sometimes think that we can save the world , but as we mature we realize there are other things in life . Please figure that out- and don't repeat whatever the reasons . Please get out . You are too important to a lot of us. Andrea
I went through a similar dilemma. We loved our house and garden but moved after 4 years of deliberation to a safer area. It’s a hard decision but I recommend moving. Our new neighbourhood is super friendly and walkable which we are so grateful for :)
Yes, move. We lived in a neighborhood for years that was always dealing with this, including the house right across from us that was the most active. Gunshots, blatant physical violence, and even a car was set on fire (real fun waking up to THAT lol). We lived there for 6 years. Now that we've moved, we still don't live in any sort of pristinely safe neighborhood, but it's significant to finally feel safer, especially with a little. It's easy to get accustomed to the gunshots and anxiety, but once you step away from it you realize how very lucky you were, honestly. Your home may not be targeted but stray bullets are a serious thing to consider. Good luck, and I'm sorry that this is something you're having to deal with!
The fact that you feel tense outside your home seems like good enough reason to me.
As far as the love of your house, HARD RELATE. I say this next part with love: if one of you were to be killed or permanently injured, I think your love of your home would suddenly feel very trivial compared to the pain you'd be facing.
How scary!! Absolutely move! You have the right to feel safe in your own home and clearly this is not the case. It's amazing what we allow ourselves to put up with, but as soon as things change, we see just how dysfunctional everything was before. Sending you strength and support as you plan your next steps.!
If I were in your situation, i would move. The safety and well being of you and your family is most important. Moving sucks but necessary in this type of situation. I suggest you consider what the attachment to a house means, especially in relation to the other problems. It really stinks to have to let go of a house you really like but maybe the attachment is about something other than the house. It may be more about what it represents to you (i.e., success vs. failure, ideals, security). If it is about representation, you will carry any of that with you to another house. It's what you put into it vs. the object itself. Consider all of that when making the decision. Adulting is sure tough huh? Good luck!
We left. It felt icky and like white flight and shameful, but we left. There was more violence, more needles on the sidewalk when we took my kids to scoote, more cat calls on the street. I didn't feel safe after dark. But we didn't leave for me; we left for my kids. They were 6 and 3 at the time. They didn't understand with their minds what was going on, but they knew with their bodies. They wouldn't sleep in their own beds, or go into another room without a grown-up right there. They cried for no reason and were sick all the time. I recently found a school picture of my daughter from that time. She was smiling, but she was pale as a ghost with big purple circles under her eyes. At six. It made me sick with guilt to look out. Our rent doubled when we moved. Money was horrifically tight, and I worried about making ends meet. But my kids laughed more, played outside without fear, and slept in their own beds. It was the right move. I have incredible privilege to say that, and to do what we did. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. I couldn't have my kids in such a toxic state of stress all the timeThe body keeps the score, always.
This is a complicated situation, but I'd get the hell out of Dodge.
I'm a native Memphian, and relate to this HARD. I've been gone for a while, but thinking about going back. I don't have any interest in living in a rural environment, and bad things can happen to anyone at any time. These problems are so systemic, and it's so hard to not feel helpless. As cliche as it sounds, I think you'll know when you know.
Agreed. I'm in a good area but many are not. It's best to think about what works best for you. Thank you for the thorough information as well.
I have many thoughts on this. But as a new dad, my short answer is to exercise your privilege and move. At 6:40
PM, and I say this with full love, if a bullet caught you instead of your door frame -- your post would have read It’s Time to Move. Frankly, speaking because of 6:40 PM there could have been no post, because there would be no Carissa. Take it from someone who lived in neighborhoods like this - Yes, it’s time to move.
It makes me so sad that you had to put all these little **** next to everything you’re feeling. No, everyone is not safe. But we do all deserve to be safe, even (lucky, grateful) you. Treat yourself like you are your own loved one, and give yourself permission to leave.
Ask yourself why you are living where you live. I am of the firm opinion that any move should be made by moving toward something rather than fearfully moving away. Where would you go? How would the new area benefit your life or that of your family? What would you give up? Only when you can rationally list the pros and cons and weight them can you make good decisions. There are many good houses, good neighbors are sometimes harder to come by.
I have to ask , why did you move to Oakland in the first place ? Please reassess why you moved there and besides loving the house what socio-economic reasons did you move there for - bad grammar I know . At a young age we sometimes think that we can save the world , but as we mature we realize there are other things in life . Please figure that out- and don't repeat whatever the reasons . Please get out . You are too important to a lot of us. Andrea
I went through a similar dilemma. We loved our house and garden but moved after 4 years of deliberation to a safer area. It’s a hard decision but I recommend moving. Our new neighbourhood is super friendly and walkable which we are so grateful for :)
I would move asap. Your safety is not worth any of the excuses or ideas that it might get better. Go. Find another beautiful place somewhere safer.
Leave. Leave America.
Discover himself and be safe on a dirt bike in the parks.