I definitely think being part of a couple, especially a long-term couple, is an invitation to confront all of our stucknesses, on all kinds of levels. Over and over. It's not a super fun or exciting process, not super dramatic, and that's probably why I don't think I've ever seen a decent movie that shows it, but I know some of the stucknesses I've gotten through with my husband (we're just clocking 25 years together) slowly but surely, like a determined relationship snail, became incredibly transformative for both of us. I love the idea of "relational empowerment" and had never heard of Terry Real. Thanks for sharing all of it! And can I just take a moment to appreciate your ability to feel creatively stuck and therefore...create a journal to help people who are creatively stuck? My hat is off to you and it looks amazing!
I want to see a movie about it. I want to see other couples fight and fuck and talk and compromise and be meh together. I grew up thinking that the hard part was finding someone to love you. Not staying in love with someone. The art of sticking it out is what I am figuring out.
So for the past three years or so we’ve belonged to a group called Couples Coaching Couples. It’s like peer counseling but it’s not therapy. It’s based on Landmark but for couples not individuals and it’s less Landmarky. We love it. It’s been great for us. CCC is for committed couples who want to deepen and strengthen their relationships. Check out couplescoachingcouples.org or email me!! Xxoo
OH my! This sounds really up my ally! I mean, I don't think Josh would go for it. Maybe? IDK. But I really enjoying being in community with people going through the same thing. Did I tell you I went to a Temple and I am going back? Also, congrats on your first video blog!! You rock Susan!
Interested couples are encouraged to join the call!
Please hop on! Larry and I are hosting!
"A Taste of Couples Coaching Couples"
Join us for a juicy-sweet Zoom workshop for the month of Love and Valentine’s Day on
Sunday, February 16th at 7 pm EST, 4 pm PST
This gathering is designed for members of CCC as well as their non-member friends to feel the power of seeing/being seen and hearing/being heard and the profound effect this has in our committed partnerships. The workshop will help you access a deep appreciation and connection with your partner and provide you with a new way of expressing it.
This workshop isn't just 'information'...it's a practical, effective, and repeatable gift of love. You can use this zoom link on Sunday, February 16 at 7 pm EST/4PST. Larry and I, along with others from the Baltimore groups, will be demonstrating the CCC act of creating a declaration. Questions? Ask me! https://us02web.zoom.us/j/9774607574...
Ooft. Every punch landed in this piece for me. A great psych I used to see (for perinatal depression and anxiety too, funnily enough) got me on to Terry Real, he’s incredible.
As for couples therapy, we’ve tried a few different runs but the last one was a disaster. My new therapist recently gave me some recommendations. Now, to take that final step and make the call…
Making the call is so hard!! I mean, I feel a deep relief in having a decision be made. You got this. You did the work. You can find help. We all deserve the help we need. What was the disaster couples therapy? Just curious...
Ahaha the last therapist well…the best way to put it was that he couldn’t meet our *relationship* where it was at, re: our relational emotional literacy. But b/c I’d been doing individual therapy for many years I was/am pretty fluent in a level of mental health literacy and I think he tuned into that maybe subconsciously. Counter-transference?
My gut says he had some ‘unhealed parts’ within himself that charged up when I started talking and, rather than advocate or support [the relationship of the couple], a part of him subconsciously responded to me, maybe reminding him or triggering him of a pattern of behaviour he had with an ex.
The consequence was that most sessions ended up with *me* being the root cause of the relationship issues; I either needed to work on myself, or stop projecting my feelings onto my partner, or both. As for my partner? Not a lot of emotional work or responsibility was put to him.
TL;DR the therapist wasn’t able to recognise the *relationship* for where it was at (both parties conflict-avoidant but also lacking tools to approach conflict in a healthier way and needing guidance and safety there as a building block) and the result was…lowkey kind of harmful.
It entrenched the existing avoidance in our relationship (we don’t want to harm each other but we also don’t know how to say what we’re feeling) *and* has introduced an unhelpful thought pattern for me personally where I loop between “Am I projecting my feelings (eg of annoyance) onto my partner? Or is there a legit unspoken annoyance from him that I’m picking up on and interpreting because that’s what I learnt as a kid? Where is [this] my partner’s unexpressed annoyance that sits with him to express, and where is [this] me taking on his stuff and trying to fix it for him? Orrrr am I just projecting *my* feelings onto him?🫠”. Etc
I’ve really waffled on here 😅. But maybe some of this is relatable, somewhere in the substack ether? Suffice to say there’s more nuance than what’s written, and of course I’m no angel wrt my actions and behaviours too. But yeah. That’s what happened last time!
Thanks for your curiosity, and for your original piece about couples counselling. Clearly it’s really resonated!
You are really brilliant. I can relate to: It entrenched the existing avoidance in our relationship (we don’t want to harm each other but we also don’t know how to say what we’re feeling) I feel like no one really wants to hurt the other person, it just that we don't know how to talk about it and or not take everything personally. The balance is the hard part for me. Everything has complexities that we cannot understand, but I just want to want to enjoy the person I am with and also live the only life I have.
The line “I could do it on my own. But I don’t want to.” floored me. It’s such a radical thing to say in this hyper-individualistic world—and such a courageous one. The idea of relational empowerment lit something up in me. It’s what I’ve been longing for without having the words.
I’m not in couples therapy (yet), but reading this made me feel like I’m not broken for wanting closeness, for needing someone to meet me halfway—or at least try.
And your Midwest line? As someone who grew up saying “sorry” before breathing, I felt so seen.
Thank you for putting words to the messy, hopeful, heartbreaking truth of trying to love well in the midst of everything. You remind me that showing up—imperfectly, vulnerably, repeatedly—is still sacred.
Hey Carissa, I've been swamped and just catching up on my substacks. I'm divorced but I think about our unsuccessful couple's therapy a lot. We also have a kid with a huge, life-altering disability. I think that my ex and I have learned so much about why our couple's therapy didn't work and didn't actually even address our real problem since we've split up. I don't regret the split, but I do wonder what a therapist that actually helped us could have done. I have realized that a big reason why I felt that my ex couldn't meet my needs was the difference in our neurotypes (he's ASD, I'm ADHD, neither realized it until after divorce). I don't know if having that information would have changed the difference in needs but it might have changed what we tried before splitting. But also, maybe there are things that could never have changed while we were in the dynamic we were in. Getting space from each other, not having the pressure of making our marriage work, has made it more possible for us to co-parent without triggering each other like we did in marriage.
As a parent with a child who has a chronic illness, I feel these feelings you write about deeply. Thank you for your words and the way you are sharing this.
I definitely think being part of a couple, especially a long-term couple, is an invitation to confront all of our stucknesses, on all kinds of levels. Over and over. It's not a super fun or exciting process, not super dramatic, and that's probably why I don't think I've ever seen a decent movie that shows it, but I know some of the stucknesses I've gotten through with my husband (we're just clocking 25 years together) slowly but surely, like a determined relationship snail, became incredibly transformative for both of us. I love the idea of "relational empowerment" and had never heard of Terry Real. Thanks for sharing all of it! And can I just take a moment to appreciate your ability to feel creatively stuck and therefore...create a journal to help people who are creatively stuck? My hat is off to you and it looks amazing!
I want to see a movie about it. I want to see other couples fight and fuck and talk and compromise and be meh together. I grew up thinking that the hard part was finding someone to love you. Not staying in love with someone. The art of sticking it out is what I am figuring out.
"If you don’t verbally affirm everything I say, I assume you hate me." I relate to this sooooooo much. I loved this newsletter, Carissa!
Thanks for affirming here! Can't wait to get your book!
So for the past three years or so we’ve belonged to a group called Couples Coaching Couples. It’s like peer counseling but it’s not therapy. It’s based on Landmark but for couples not individuals and it’s less Landmarky. We love it. It’s been great for us. CCC is for committed couples who want to deepen and strengthen their relationships. Check out couplescoachingcouples.org or email me!! Xxoo
OH my! This sounds really up my ally! I mean, I don't think Josh would go for it. Maybe? IDK. But I really enjoying being in community with people going through the same thing. Did I tell you I went to a Temple and I am going back? Also, congrats on your first video blog!! You rock Susan!
There is an open call this Sunday, 7 pm EST. This is a fb post of mine. Here is the link for the zoom call: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/9774607574?pwd=TG4xK0swMUVTQ1hFamN6NGdKVjBpdz09#success
Interested couples are encouraged to join the call!
Please hop on! Larry and I are hosting!
"A Taste of Couples Coaching Couples"
Join us for a juicy-sweet Zoom workshop for the month of Love and Valentine’s Day on
Sunday, February 16th at 7 pm EST, 4 pm PST
This gathering is designed for members of CCC as well as their non-member friends to feel the power of seeing/being seen and hearing/being heard and the profound effect this has in our committed partnerships. The workshop will help you access a deep appreciation and connection with your partner and provide you with a new way of expressing it.
This workshop isn't just 'information'...it's a practical, effective, and repeatable gift of love. You can use this zoom link on Sunday, February 16 at 7 pm EST/4PST. Larry and I, along with others from the Baltimore groups, will be demonstrating the CCC act of creating a declaration. Questions? Ask me! https://us02web.zoom.us/j/9774607574...
And here's the new newsletter! https://www.couplescoachingcouples.org/.../issue-7.../
not to be annoying, but are there more? OR will this be video taped? I would love to see you and Larry talk about life!
and wow you went to Temple! I haven't gone for years - but i'm a super Jew!
Ooft. Every punch landed in this piece for me. A great psych I used to see (for perinatal depression and anxiety too, funnily enough) got me on to Terry Real, he’s incredible.
As for couples therapy, we’ve tried a few different runs but the last one was a disaster. My new therapist recently gave me some recommendations. Now, to take that final step and make the call…
Making the call is so hard!! I mean, I feel a deep relief in having a decision be made. You got this. You did the work. You can find help. We all deserve the help we need. What was the disaster couples therapy? Just curious...
Phew, thank you xx
Ahaha the last therapist well…the best way to put it was that he couldn’t meet our *relationship* where it was at, re: our relational emotional literacy. But b/c I’d been doing individual therapy for many years I was/am pretty fluent in a level of mental health literacy and I think he tuned into that maybe subconsciously. Counter-transference?
My gut says he had some ‘unhealed parts’ within himself that charged up when I started talking and, rather than advocate or support [the relationship of the couple], a part of him subconsciously responded to me, maybe reminding him or triggering him of a pattern of behaviour he had with an ex.
The consequence was that most sessions ended up with *me* being the root cause of the relationship issues; I either needed to work on myself, or stop projecting my feelings onto my partner, or both. As for my partner? Not a lot of emotional work or responsibility was put to him.
TL;DR the therapist wasn’t able to recognise the *relationship* for where it was at (both parties conflict-avoidant but also lacking tools to approach conflict in a healthier way and needing guidance and safety there as a building block) and the result was…lowkey kind of harmful.
It entrenched the existing avoidance in our relationship (we don’t want to harm each other but we also don’t know how to say what we’re feeling) *and* has introduced an unhelpful thought pattern for me personally where I loop between “Am I projecting my feelings (eg of annoyance) onto my partner? Or is there a legit unspoken annoyance from him that I’m picking up on and interpreting because that’s what I learnt as a kid? Where is [this] my partner’s unexpressed annoyance that sits with him to express, and where is [this] me taking on his stuff and trying to fix it for him? Orrrr am I just projecting *my* feelings onto him?🫠”. Etc
I’ve really waffled on here 😅. But maybe some of this is relatable, somewhere in the substack ether? Suffice to say there’s more nuance than what’s written, and of course I’m no angel wrt my actions and behaviours too. But yeah. That’s what happened last time!
Thanks for your curiosity, and for your original piece about couples counselling. Clearly it’s really resonated!
In solidarity, mez ✊
You are really brilliant. I can relate to: It entrenched the existing avoidance in our relationship (we don’t want to harm each other but we also don’t know how to say what we’re feeling) I feel like no one really wants to hurt the other person, it just that we don't know how to talk about it and or not take everything personally. The balance is the hard part for me. Everything has complexities that we cannot understand, but I just want to want to enjoy the person I am with and also live the only life I have.
Carissa, this hit me right in the tender spot.
The line “I could do it on my own. But I don’t want to.” floored me. It’s such a radical thing to say in this hyper-individualistic world—and such a courageous one. The idea of relational empowerment lit something up in me. It’s what I’ve been longing for without having the words.
I’m not in couples therapy (yet), but reading this made me feel like I’m not broken for wanting closeness, for needing someone to meet me halfway—or at least try.
And your Midwest line? As someone who grew up saying “sorry” before breathing, I felt so seen.
Thank you for putting words to the messy, hopeful, heartbreaking truth of trying to love well in the midst of everything. You remind me that showing up—imperfectly, vulnerably, repeatedly—is still sacred.
With you in the work, Anton
Hey Carissa, I've been swamped and just catching up on my substacks. I'm divorced but I think about our unsuccessful couple's therapy a lot. We also have a kid with a huge, life-altering disability. I think that my ex and I have learned so much about why our couple's therapy didn't work and didn't actually even address our real problem since we've split up. I don't regret the split, but I do wonder what a therapist that actually helped us could have done. I have realized that a big reason why I felt that my ex couldn't meet my needs was the difference in our neurotypes (he's ASD, I'm ADHD, neither realized it until after divorce). I don't know if having that information would have changed the difference in needs but it might have changed what we tried before splitting. But also, maybe there are things that could never have changed while we were in the dynamic we were in. Getting space from each other, not having the pressure of making our marriage work, has made it more possible for us to co-parent without triggering each other like we did in marriage.
As a parent with a child who has a chronic illness, I feel these feelings you write about deeply. Thank you for your words and the way you are sharing this.