I cannot remember the first time someone told me I was bad at keeping secrets and showing up on time. My secrets. When I meet someone new, I have to tell them that unless you tell me something like, “Please Carissa, don’t share this with anyone.” I will just assume that it is safe to say. There is something about saying everything you feel out loud that is freeing in a sense. And also connective. Like if I am feeling this way, chances are other humans are feeling it too. We are so unique and so similar at the same time. I want to talk about these things with you.
It was not until COVID that I started thinking about being vulnerable with others as a luxury. I always had a therapist, a mom who was overly interested in my every action, and a partner (serial dater right here, too scared to be single, to scared to leave a relationship, “this might be as good as it gets” I talk myself into accepting life as is).
And I have to say, it really feels nice. A certain about of acceptance of whatever it is I think is healthy. And I told myself that I was one of the lucky ones. And I am. But throughout this life I call mine, I realized that there are still so many things that I hide. I push them back, hide them for later. Hope that the longings won’t linger.
Sharing yourself is not simple. Humans are complicated. Yes, you knew that. We also are not living in a vacuum. Our actions affect others in ways that we can never fully understand. There are so many considerations to think about when sharing anything. That your thoughts and actions do affect other people, they might even hurt the people who are dearest to you. Is it even ethical to be honest if the pain that you will cause someone else far exceeds that freedom you feel after letting go? I don’t know.
Every time I post something online about my depression, I get a call from my mother. It gives her pain to think that I am in pain. My therapist calls this Enmeshment. I call it love.
This newsletter will dig into the mess of life. I realized two things that made me want to write it:
I want to write a book.
I want to be able to have nuanced conversations and actually respond to people. Because this takes time and thought, the conversations and responses are part of a paid section. I noticed that when talking about these things on IG, people, you yes you, have amazing things to say. I want to hear from you. And I want to have the time it actually takes to really consider what you are saying.
DISCLAIMER - I am in no way qualified to actually give advice, but admittedly this is kinda an advice column.
Bad at Keeping Secrets comes out once a week on Mondays.